I’ve always liked presidential trivia.  From knowing that four presidents, not two, have been assassinated, to the fact that James Buchanan was the only bachelor president, I find presidential facts fun to learn and even more fun to use in casual conversation.

So during a week swimming with presidential buzz, it seemed like a fine time to brush up on my presidents.  While reading different accounts of scandals, various treaties and vice presidential running mates, I remembered a book of Lincoln photographs that used to really capture my attention as a kid.  Realizing this was the first time I’d used the power of the internet to expand my knowledge of this particular subject, to presidential photographs is where my attention turned.

Now, until about three hours ago, I had assumed the earliest photograph of a U.S. President was, in fact, of Abraham Lincoln.  We’ve all seen the numerous photographs of him in various stages of his presidency and from his days as a congressman to a picture of him lying in the casket.  But the first president to be photographed was John Quincy Adams.  Ol’ number six himself.  From then on you have photographs of every president since, except for William Henry Harrison who died just 30 days into his first term due to pneumonia that he contracted because he couldn’t deliver a concise speech on a cold and rainy inauguration day (told you it was fun).

This may or may not interest you but I found it fascinating to think that of all 43 presidents (don’t forget, Grover Cleveland was president twice…) only 5 were not in office during the age of the photographic image.  Anyways, here they are arranged in sequential order from left to right, top to bottom.

John Quincy Adams	Andrew Jackson	Martin Van Buren
William Henry Harrison	John Tyler	James K Polk
Zachary Taylor	Millard Fillmore	Franklin Pierce
James Buchanan	Duh	Andrew Johnson
50 Dollar Bill	Rutherford B Hayes	James Garfield
Chester A Arthur	Grover Cleveland	Benjamin Harrison
William McKinley	Theodore Roosevelt	William Howard Taft
Woodrow Wilson	Warren G Harding	Calvin Coolidge
Herbert Hoover	FDR	Harry S Truman
Dwight Eisenhower	JFK	Lyndon Johnson
Dick Nixon	Gerald Ford	Jimmy Carter
Ronald Reagan	George Bush I	Bill Clinton
George Bush II	Barack Obama

In autumn I tended the animals for a family on vacation. During my stay their son’s hermit crab drowned. I thought he was swimming, but when I reached into his world, his leg fell off. Suspicion fell on me immediately, even before I made the call to the family. Had I sent him into his concept of an ocean without a life vest, or a large leaf? Did my perspective on house sitting allow me to make that aquarium into my own Truman Show, come what may? I mulled these things over while looking through their fridge. Who doesn’t have barbecue sauce? I felt better.

I called the Jones and the dad told me not to worry, and to put Hermes in a sandwich bag before taking him out back to the black garbage receptacles. Also, I shouldn’t forget to replace the brick on top of the receptacle.

Today an uplifting thought entered my world. Hermes couldn’t have survived this weather.

Freezing Chicago
Everything that crawls has died
Sorry hermit crabs

I have visited eleven U.S. states since last April.  I’m unsure how this came about, since I make a point of not leaving my apartment, but it did.   Fortunately, I have captured each experience in haiku-form, which should allow even those with the shortest attention spans to learn something about our great country.

New York (April)
A shot of Makers
Makes a good appetizer
When you order steak

New Jersey (April)
Sit down for blackjack
Then, just thirty shoes later
The sun has risen

Indiana (May)
Let’s go to Hammond
My wallet is too heavy
The house always wins

Florida (August)
Twenty hour trip
Even a naples sunset
Isn’t worth this drive

North Dakota (September)
In our state you can
Wear earmuffs in September
Marvel at nothing

Wisconsin (October)
She slept peacefully
At the Ryan Adams show
Unless she was dead

California (October)
Wedding night phat beach
Dave jumped in fully suited
Sheps made a statement

Kentucky (October)
No smoking ban yet?
You stay classy, Kentucky
We can learn from you

Tennessee (October)
Halloween caving
Involves excessive climbing
Rampant racism

Texas (December)
Three beers for breakfast
Then, take an afternoon nap
Wake and drink for real

Illinois (January)
So cold, bubbles freeze
We gather ’round the hookah
Smoke is our lifeblood

There are a lot of obvious ways to be a douche.  Ironically, using the word “douche” constantly is one of them. But there are also plenty of more subtle things that douchebags do that we should all be aware of and try not to emulate. Here’s a brief list…

-Don’t tell people about your health problems in a bar setting. Unless it involves your balls or your butthole, it’s usually a downer. Alcohol should be the only downer at the bar.

-Try to avoid correcting people’s typos in emails. Unless it’s going to be published or something, fck it. Yeah that’s right, fck it.

-Don’t try to get people to bike, hike or run with you, who don’t already bike, hike or run on their own. People don’t get more active as they get older, unless they discover they have type 2 diabetes. Go hike on your own time, and then meet them for a beer on their porch like they want you to.

-Don’t offer children candy in exchange for sex during the holidays. It’s unseemly.

-Finally, don’t say watching a show like “The Hills” is your guilty pleasure. If you watch “The Hills” your guilty pleasure more likely involves your anus, your finger and masturbation. Just be straightforward and say you like shitty TV.

Hope everyone is doing good tonight. When I go out, I like to get started on the right foot, order that first drink, and for me that’s usually a bloody mary. Especially at breakfast, you know, wake up at noon, go to the usual place and order that famed red drink. Time to imbibe. Time to enjoy.

Recently it was a problem for me, though, because apparently “it’s a weekend thing.” Hard lesson to learn. That manager at McDonald’s, he’s a tough guy. I tried to reason with him. You can restrain me, I just need a straw for ma bluh marry. The dishpenser was for ma friesh.

So I get into trouble sometimes trying to start it off right. Last week I went out with all my wife’s friends and one of them was named Mary. Couldn’t order it, didn’t want to offend her if she was…you know. ON THE RAG, man. I didn’t want to make it awkward. That’s what I’ve learned that you have to pick and choose your drinks based on who you’re with.

I’ll have a screwdriver. Ooo, sorry Todd. You’ve only got 9 fingers left, bub. But that was the difference between a flathead and a phillips. On the rocks? Lookout below! Bill, I truly wish that drive through Appalachia had turned out different for your car and your sister, pal. And if I’d only known that it was your breakup with Jack, Jackie, that turned you onto coke… I never would have said that at your Bat Mitzvah. Gotta be careful. Gotta be careful like an extremely anal person wrapping presents.

Sex on the beach? I’m sorry that’s where you conceived, Rachel, sweetheart. But our son deserves to know.

If you’re in prison for anything other than racketeering, you’re doing it wrong.  Racketeering is the only cool thing you can be in prison for that won’t necessarily exclude you from getting into heaven.  Think about it.

1. You are a shit stain.
2. You park your car behind your building in a gated lot.  Some might think this negates the need to have your car alarm turned on, but you’re not taking any chances.
3. You drive a Honda Civic.
4. You’re not very good at turning off your car alarm.  I suspect both of your thumbs are broken.  Or maybe you have really bad hearing and aren’t aware that your alarm has been raping the eardrums of people with at least below average to adequate hearing for last 8 minutes.
5. You’re so ridiculously retarded that it’ll take you days to find the dump I’m going to take in your car the next time your alarm wakes me up.  …The only question is, where in your car will I leave my rancid pile?  The driver’s seat is an obvious option.  The glove box might also be good.  Or maybe, just maybe, there will be a child’s car seat installed and the decision will be made for me.

I’m praying for your death,
Sheps

Opens with two characters standing and talking, holding tea or coffee

James (from the right) I don’t know, I don’t think I can back Kelly Ripa this time

Ted (from left): What, so Rosie was right?

James: Rosie is my her…

Ted: Dude, she wasn’t right. Trump was right. Trump was totally right. She’s ugly on every side. Both sides. And from every angle.

James: He needs to chill out. P.S…Apprentice L.A.? Suuuuuuux.

Ted: Oh no! I didn’t know talking about Rosie and Trump was going to be a pure laxative!

CUT – INT – STAGE

A Beatles Tribute band plays to the tune of “Help!”

BAND: Help! He needs a diaper…not just any diaper. (Help!) You know he wears one (Help!)

TRIBUTE LENNON: When he was younger, so much younger than today…He always crapped himself…each and every day. But now these days are gone, He’s still not self-assured. (Now I find) Now he finds, changed his mind, and opened up the door

BAND: Help him if you can, his pants aren’t down, and he loathes the fact that you are around, help him miss his feet on the ground. Won’t you please, please help him!

LENNON: And now his life has changed in so many ways. His independence seems to vanish in the haze. But now these clever days, He’s still not self-assured…

CUT – EXT – COMMERCE DISTRICT ATRIUM

James: That’s sick man. That’s [bleep] sick.

Ted: (clenches eyes and groans)