Case in point. The NCTM report, published in March of 1989, is a self-diagnosed collection of Curriculum and Evaluation Standards for School Mathematics. Translator? “Here’s how to teach and grade math.” And yet, in the very midst of this great forum for math educators, this line of demockery:

Students, some as young as kindergarten, should use calculators in class.

Cat’s out of the freaking bag! Roll over, Pythagorus, and tell Archimedes the news! Anarchy! Dishevelment! Good grief and stale crackers! Can you believe! Can you believe………can you even fuggin believe it.

Now is the future of 1989. People are all freaked out and up in arms because kids in nearly every other developed country test higher than kids in the U.S. Maybe if our brains were calculators instead of fat face containers we could compete in the global market.

One thing is for sure. No longer will we turn a blind eye to the NCTM’s 1989 Report! This hizz has been revizzed!

The five year anniversary of our nations tragedy and resultant onslaught of programing on the History channel made me reflect internally. Several topics, apt and otherwise, were the subject of my mental musings, not the least of which: if i were going to do battle with knife wielding hijackers who had barricaded themselves in the cockpit along side a handful of brave passengers, what would my makeshift weapon of choice be? After hours of toil, I came to what I consider the only right answer: boiling water.

When the courageous souls of flight 93 decided to fight back, they found themselves in an environment that was fairly devoid of items which could be weaponized. As I began to compile a list of options in my head, I came up with very few. In my defense, I was not on an airplane at the time, nor was a facing any adversity beyond the fact that Yahoo Radio, for some reason, seems to think that I really like the Carpenters. I believe the passengers on the plane used the drink cart, pans, possibly seat belt extensions, and my eventual choice, boiling water.

I based my decision on two main points: curiosity and self preservation, in that order. Based on the presumption that I would not be in charge of this operation since I have no training in such matters and I am relatively out of shape, I would be most interested in a game plan that involved the throwing of boiling water on someone. Sure, it worked great in the dark ages when people were climbing the walls of your castle, but how would it work when the targets were flying the plane you were riding on? Were electrical concerns raised? Which leads to even more questions. Did they have access to vegetable oil? Would that not have been a better boiling medium to attack someone with? Not to second guess the passengers of flight 93. Would I go in first to gain the upper hand? Would I be held in reserve to swing the tide of the battle? Would I be a last resort? I’m just not sure when blast of hot water to the face would be most effective. Really, who could be? I suppose I could be armed with two pots of boiling water to be used at two different points. Yeah, thats what I’d do.

The biggest question I would want answered however is how exactly these jihadists, or anyone for that matter, is going to react to the offensive strike of scalding liquid. I would presume 99% of liquid burns in the modern day are received accidentally, therefore, no counteraction is to be taken, other than to wince in pain. In this situation, however, you have to expect a different reaction. What that reaction is going to be is what intrigues me the most. These guys were ready to die, but how fiercely can you fight though boiling water? How long do you grab your face and go “AHHHHHHHHHHH!”? Did you notice the other pot of boiling water in my hand before the piping hot liquid hit you in the eyeball? Is that something you really want to fuck with? I just don’t know. Its possible that the attackee could just stand up and grab at the other pot of boiling water, causing it to spill and burn me, and I would put his resolve much higher than my own, so that’s something to think about.

My other reason is more pedestrian. If I were to choose one of the other weapons, I feel I would stand a much higher chance of being scalded myself, depending on which manner the boiling water was to be introduced to the fight. I could foresee situation where there was a boiling water misfire and I got burned, or a situation where I just got in the way and it was deemed advantageous to risk scalding me to neutralize a target. While this may seem as a simple cowardice to not wanting to get burned, I feel like my tactical significance is important and I don’t want anything affecting that.

Another interesting point raised to me on the topic is that the the boiling water is really two weapons in one: once I an through scalding my target, I can then begin bludgeoning him with the delivery vessel, inflicting maximum damage. In closing, I settled on the fact that I would proudly wield any makeshift weapon against terrorist which was assigned to me. My greatest honor would be that I had been deemed worthy of a weapon when they were scarce. And really, when it comes right down to it, the most importing thing is beating on terrorists, isn’t it? I would like to think that if the passengers had been successful in gaining control of the plane, they would have restrained their attackers, and taken turns splashing boiling water in their faces. Thats what I would have done.