I’ve been in a very thankful mood the past couple weeks. Much of the thanking has been to Sneetch for cleaning the entrails which I left in his apartment’s bathroom in a recent trip to LA. And before you assume that “entrails” is the wrong word to use, you might want to talk to Sneetch.

Badassy has done everyone a huge favor in calling out Subway. The throes of Dank faithful are rejoicing right now, and are “probably dancing in the streets” as Harry Caray might say if he were still alive. I don’t know how many times I’ve been walking by a Subway and decided not to eat there because the sandwich artists have no idea how much “a little lettuce” is. It’s not much, morons!

For a time in college, I nearly got a job at a Subway just to show them what a little lettuce meant. The decision to almost start working there came from one instance in particular when the gooniest Subway employee ever asked me twice if I wanted more lettuce after I said twice that it was too much and I’d only wanted a little lettuce. He kept heaping it on like he thought I had asked for only lettuce, or the brand-new most-lettuce-ever sandwich. I barely like that shredded lettuce. A little bit infers that I’d like a small handful per six-inch length. I’ll tell you one thing. Giant rabbits that worked in that assembly line wouldn’t give you too much lettuce. And good for them, too. Always storing for winter and being good rabbits.

If it was the other way around and the Subway employees had to store for winter, they would clearly all starve, in a very grasshopper-playing-violin sort of way. But this time the ants wouldn’t save the sandwich artists with hot soup and buckets of warm water for their feet. Nope. Sweet revenge would be enacted on those wasters of precious lettuce. And for what? For what? The inability to learn the language of food service?

A little bit
On the side
What’s in that?
Not too much
A lot
A few
That’s enough
Two
None
Just a couple
Honey mustard
Animal, plant, or mineral?
Yes
No
Stop
More
Less
Hmm
Is it spicy?

Memorize the meaning of these terms and you will be the employee of the month at least once in your first two years of artistry at your local Subway.

I know I’ve gotten really good at not posting on Dank, and this post will probably irritate readers who have grown accustomed to that charity, but I ran across an article today that just begged to be mentioned here.

Apparently five teenage girls followed an online guide to make their own Super Mario question mark boxes and left them around their town. What makes this story interesting, you ask? Everybody freaked out and the Bomb Detection Unit was called. Criminal charges against the girls were even considered, but then dropped. Perhaps the best part of the initial article is the moderately idiotic comment that the girls were “attempting to play a real-life version of Super Mario Bros” by placing the boxes around town.

Actually that sounds kind of wonderful. Teenage girls all jumping around in Kuribo’s Shoe together…things might happen. I mean they’d probably kiss each other.

Oh yeah, Jeffrey Rowland went and made a comic about this, which is a thing he sometimes does.

In the past, I have over refrained from posting my thoughts about Subway sandwich shops. The reason was twofold. First, I understand the power that we as dank contributors wield, and the last thing I wanted was to be involved in litigation, however meritless, after the millions of dank readers took my words to heart and began to boycott the establishment. And second, I wanted to let Subway celebrate is 40th Anniversary (the ruby anniversary in case anyone was wondering) in peace. But I can hold my silver tongue no longer. Here, in no specific order, are the reason subway will continue to only sell me subs on a bi-weekly basis (comments on their ad campaign will be withheld for purposes of brevity and readability. Maybe I will revisit these issues later):

1. No, I don’t want my sub toasted, and I don’t particularly care for the inquiry. Where am I, Quizzinos? Yes, I do allow Quizzinos to toast my subs BECAUSE THEY KNOW HOW. See that monstrosity of a machine that takes up half the store? THATS how you toast a sub. You opt for some 1970’s contraption that you jerry rig into a corner, that is suspiciously limited in the button department, and despite flying in the face of everything i know, can melt cheese in 10 seconds. Where did you find these things? And please explain to me, sandwich artist, how with these two buttons and a switch, you can guarantee that my sub will be in there from anywhere from 10 to 40 seconds and will come out a different consistency every time? You know what, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know what goes on in there, or why the subs have a metallic aftertaste now.

2. I neither want nor need printed napkins. I don’t care about your daily special or how many grams of fat 3 slices of turkey have. Quit passing that expense on to me.

3. Learn the definition of a “little bit.” If you don’t know how much I mean, put less than you usually would on, then look at me for approval. “A little bit” does not mean less than you would put on your own sandwich.

4. Why do i have to ask for bacon? Of course I want bacon on it. I want bacon on everything. Just sell bacon. I will come in more.

5. Baked chips. Sometimes something gets the better of me, and I actually but these. They are objectively speaking the worst tasting edible creation ever. No one likes them. That is a scientifically proven fact. Don’t bother looking it up, just take my word for it. When I accidentally buy them, it ruins my eating experience, making me less likely to come back. Don’t carry them, and this won’t happen.

6. Its all a big lie. All the breads taste exactly the same. Especially if you have them toasted. The nutrition information claims the Italian Herbs and Cheese contains animal product, but I just simply don’t believe it (Side note: the Subway nutritional information leaves open the debate of weather or not honey is to be considered an animal product. This disgusts me. I would prefer it if the people selling me a cold cut combo had clear lines drawn between what is and isn’t and animal product. I would also prefer the honey bee fell in the “is not” category)

There are other things that I am forgetting right now. What prompted this was today, when I asked for the garlic bread. The one they have been running a big national advertising campaign for. The sandwich artist looked at me like I had told her I didn’t want my sub toasted. I point at the biggest sign in the store advertising the garlic bread. She looked at me like she didn’t know English. Well, she didn’t know English, but that’s beside the point. She consulted the manager. Now everyone was on the same page. As it would turn out, its not a type of bread at all. Its a spread that looks remarkably similar to the Big Mac sauce. and it was right in front of her. Is it at all possible that i was the first person to ask for this when I went to eat lunch at 3.30pm? That she had somehow missed all of the commercials? And this is on top of the fact that Subway had tricked me into thinking there was actually another type of bread that may have tasted different. But it didn’t. And I was disappointed once again.