We live in a world that is tainted by men, and as Borg would probably tell you in an aside, tainted in more ways than one. Even so, a maker of turn of the 19th century cigarettes would seek to undo this tainting with the following:

This is part of a series of 25. And I thought papal apologies meant something…

To all you out there who are still reeling from the terrible loss by Illinois to the other blue devils from North Carolina, I am sad along with you. To watch a hulking gorilla like Robert May do nothing but ape the game strategy of Shaq was demoralizing and humiliating. Illinois couldn’t have driven a Humvee down the lane, with or without proper armor. Nevertheless, cash provided the soothing salve for my March Madness letdown. It seems that through no fault of my own, I won my office bracket.

Won it hands down. It seems that my blind loyalty to a conference involving schools that I never even thought about attending is what pushed me into the limelight of prognosticator extraordinaire. I think that no one else in this country had Michigan St in the Final Four, but as my bracket clearly shows, dumb luck has a value to it, a value somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 bucks. So while I may be licking my wounds from a temporary but impassioned love of Illinois basketball, holding a wad of filthy cash makes the loss easier to bear. Even if I hear the mutterings of, “lucky bastard,” underneath a no doubt, heart felt congratulations from my esteemed colleagues.

…what about the Sheps? While the world’s been mourning I’ve been out there kicking asses and taking names and bringing forth this fucked up pic you’ve probably been chain emailed before:

This kid is prime time. John Paul Deuce was a good man, but did he ever scrub clean a python in a freak’n clay pot? Mad props to this little guy.

This is a sad time for the nation, as we mourn the passing of Pope John Paul II, but I believe there is an easy solution to ease our pain. Mister Mel Gibson! A new Pontiff will be appointed in two weeks, and Mel seems to be the only logical solution. I think you want someone who can encapsulate both the lion and lamb side of religion, and we know that Mel has shown these diverse sides in roles ranging from the heroic Braveheart to the delightful and tasty Nick in What Women Want (seen four times a day on USA and TNT). When performing mass, Mel could certainly orchestrate a few guest appearances by Jesus and I think a few pyrotechnics would also be appropriate. A pope with a stalker? Imagine the excitement. And talk about a resume! This guy was already a minister in Signs. He is certain to find his way to the Papal Throne—his tin foil hat will soon be replaced by a tall ivory colored holy mitre. He is exactly the kind of badass-pope the world now needs.

I almost feel bad about interrupting Jerome’s foray into his memories (and odd behavior slips) of yesteryear. But something has come to mind, and when that happens for me, it’s best to just go to bed. But this is such a pressing matter that I really need to seek the island of solitude that only posting on Dank can offer.

So the Pope died yesterday. Yes, sad, and yes, expected. But was comedian Jim Gaffigan expecting this? He does a funny bit about how the Pope’s parents have the ultimate bragging rights. Your son’s a doctor? Yeah, ours is Pope. You can’t trump it. Anyway it’s a great part of Gaffigan’s act and it’s totally unclear to me whether or not this death is going to have any effect on the joke. Maybe he’ll have to wait until the next Pope has been Pope for like 3 years.

All kidding aside, Pope John Paul II did and said a ton of things that no one else before him could do for like 300 years, or longer. He apologized to the Jews, to Muslims, to native peoples, and to other peoples that had been persecuted for no good reason. It’s kind of funny that apologizing is like the bravest thing anyone in his position could do. And he did it. Somehow I don’t think my wife will feel the same way I do about the Pope if I apologize for cheating at Yahtzee Deluxe. Hmm.