I wish I could remember more about my relationship with the recipient of this note. I only recall that she played an important role in my first foray into the world of romance. After quickly trampling her soul underfoot, I discovered that I had a real knack for snuffing out the once-vibrant flames in the hearts of girls everywhere. Dawn, if you’re out there, I’m sorry and I want you back. Kara, same goes for you.

Not surprisingly, I’ve come across more evidence that I was almost universally despised by my educators, and for all the right reasons. Given the amount of paperwork devoted to my incompetence, it seems I must have been balancing on the edge of an ADD diagnosis.

Early on in my schooling, an ongoing dialogue began between my teachers and parents about my inability to function correctly in a learning environment. This trend would continue throughout highschool, college and into my first job. I’ll admit, it’s somewhat demeaning when I’m called into my boss’s office at the end of the workday to have a progress note pinned to my shirt, but I’ve gotten used to it.

Today I stumbled upon a hidden cache of documents from my childhood (which seems to lend credence to my existence once and for all). I tried to resist, but some of this stuff just has to be seen. Today I offer a troublesome slip of paper which becomes very funny to me when I pretend it was delivered during my junior year of high school.

In an effort to raise enough money for my impending emancipation, I have decided to sell everything I own.

Well, maybe not everything, but a few things. As most of you know, I’m moving to Chicago in eight weeks with no real plan for long-term survival. What many of you don’t know but could probably guess, however, is that I’ve managed to squander 94% of my income this year on Spongebob Pez and Dawson’s Creek DVD box sets.

So in honour of Dank2k.org, I am going to put a new random item up for sale on eBay each day until I have either reached $2K or 30 days. See, the $2K is because of Dank2k…and the 30 is because that’s how many posts have been added to the site in the last 3 years. This, loyal reader, is your chance to own (and properly dispose of) a part of Jerome.

Anyway, you can the current list of my auctions here. Remember, one new exciting item every day! Maybe in the end I’ll sell Dank! Or Sneetch?

When I woke up today I realized it’s time I started writing about things that matter. Dank was originally conceived as a vessel of consequence, a way to convey each of its contributor’s unique voices on issues that society struggles with every day. Today I want to talk about Mega Man 2’s original box art.

Now, many of you are familiar with the impact Mega Man has had on the development of Western Civilization, but not everyone has had a chance to reflect upon the commercial art direction of the series. I think you’ll agree, the success of Mega Man as a franchise is almost an unfathomable miracle when coupled with the complete failure of the box art.

Now before I get started, I know what everyone is thinking. Why are you focusing on Mega Man 2 when the original’s art was far more preposterous? The answer: see for yourself, the MM1 box does all the work for me. From the Blue Bomber’s inexplicably gold-laden suit to the apparent 8-year-old cubist Capcom hired to design the cover, there is nothing right going on there.

What follows is a list of my primary concerns with this game’s box design. The numbers correlate to the image, and feel free to click on the picture to scrutinize a larger version.

1. In an apparent plot twist never realized in the series, Dr. Light peeks out from behind Crash Man and appears to point at Mega Man, alerting Wily’s evil creation to our hero’s presence.

2. A ladder leads directly into (or out of?) a pit filled with lava, which really seems totally inappropriate to me. Anyone who has played the game knows that Mega Man fucking hates that shit.

3. Mega Man is a robot built by Dr. Light. This image depicts a strangely bulbous and puffy man-child clad in blue spandex, a motorcycle helmet and a pair of serious thunder-thighs. The artist could have drawn the hero exactly how he was originally imagined. The result is what I would expect from a mid-70’s live action TV show based on the character. It’s also worth noting that this scene takes place immediately after Mega Man rolled his right ankle on a FS 180.

4. Mega Man has an ARM CANNON. He has always had an arm cannon. A robot with an arm cannon would not be caught dead with a handgun. In this picture, I find myself rooting for Quick Man to rip that pussy gun out of Mega Man’s webbed fingers and pistol-whip the life and extra energy tanks out of him.

Be sure to tune in to the newest waste of time on the internet, Cubscast.com. Launched today by some esteemed Dank staff members, Cubscast will feature daily podcast mp3s of the most mediocre Chicago Cubs sports talk on the internet. This will be a great way to hear us humiliate ourselves in public, especially today when Sneetch presents our inaugural podcast with a special celebrity guest.

Hoping to capitalize further on the tell-all craze, Ozzie Canseco, twin brother of former Oakland Athletic Jose Canseco, has authored a pamphlet entitled “Bonded: lonely hotel rooms, dinner for one, and how I learned to follow the team bus to the park in my Kia Sephia.”

Ozzie has struggled for years to emerge from his brother’s massive shadow. In 2002, the two were arrested after a bar fight. Jose received three years probation while the junior Canseco was shocked to learn he would be supervised for only eighteen months, exactly half of three years.

The trend continued when Jose was placed under house arrest in 2004, while Ozzie was kept from watching TV after five p.m. and forced to mow the lawn once a week.

In Juiced, Jose tells how he injected other Major Leaguers with anabolic steroids during his prolific career. Similarly, in his double sided, tri-fold pamphlet, created on an e-Machine with Print Shop ‘93, Ozzie tells how he bespeckled Larry McGwire and Kenny Palmiero’s satchels with Gold Bond Medicated Powder while all three played for the Oakland A’s single A affiliate, the Kane County Cougars.

Ozzie’s career was cut tragically short after a batted ball bounced off of his head on May 26, 1993 and the runner was allowed to advance to second base.

If anyone is free this Saturday night, feel free to come by Ozzie’s mom’s house, 3247 Vista Ave, South Miami Beach, FL, to help collate and staple - bring a snack to share.