Let me just say thanks to Lou for singlehandedly keeping Dank afloat in these tough times. A few thoughts:

1. I don’t get this Shrek stuff. Why the hell do people like those movies. I thought Monsters, Inc. kicked the shit out of Shrek the first go around. I bit and went and saw Shrek 2 last night and it sucked. I slept through a good portion of the movie. Seriously. Props to Antonio Banderas’ little cat that made for most of the sparsely placed funny lines. As a whole the movie was total dogshit.

2. I went on a hot air balloon ride. It ruled. I suggest everyone try it. Take some beano though. Small basket, little wind, that stench ain’t going nowhere.

3. Random disconcerting facts: Bunker lives with a girl, MrFildo owns a condo, I’ve been married a year, and Jerome has held down the same real job for several months now. Too weird. Next you’re going to tell me Borg doesn’t like garbage anymore and Lou’s lovely wife’s teeth suddenly hardened up like jerome’s member the first time he saw the trailer for The Princess Diaries 2.

So yeah, I’m going to try to do this a little more often in hopes that others will too and we can revive dank. Lou can’t do it by himself.

Sheppo was recovering from his prosthetic head surgery. Jerome got a job filing periodicals at his local library. Borg just sort of zoned out for awhile. Mr. Fildo learned to dribble and shoot with his left hand. Jah Jeff was eaten by a giant cheeseburger. IDQ continued his march to Washington to pressure lawmakers to accept the telegraph as a musical instrument. Sneetch remained on maternal leave. Alvis went to Florida without giving any prior notice to others who could have accompanied him. And let’s just say Cinco de Mayo lasted about Veinta y Seis days longer than expected for Lou.

I do remember traveling to Southern Illinois for Memorial Day, though. I think having relatives that live near towns named “Mulkeytown” and “Elkville” automatically disqualifies me from running for political office. It sure as heck disqualified them. What’s worse is that I quickly employed my limited Southern Illinois vocabulary to try to fit in with the folk who wear overalls without shirts. I caught myself saying, “All’s I know is it’s ‘otter dan a bear in ‘ere.” I’d never exclaimed that my apartment in Chicago was hotter than a bear, but something about the phrase in Southern Illinois was more than appropriate. Like the ashtrays in Granny’s bathroom and Aunt Patty’s pickled mustard potato salad (which is freaking good and probably contains bourbon).

Since my relatives already have the perception that Chicago is a modern day Mexico City, it was fun to further perpetuate the stereotype to their small and underused brains. After a couple helpings of the bourbon-laced potato salad, I dispelled several myths about the big city to them. “If you’re on the subway platform, you have to be careful that gang members (specifically the “Crips”) don’t run up behind you and push you into oncoming trains.” “Once someone on the street asked me for change, but I think it was a scam, so I ran away screaming.” “Buying drugs funds terrorism.” “Never drive in the city. They will shoot out your tires and your El Camino will be turned into a pile of hissing ash.” “Don’t wear earth tones…they are gang colors.” “And yes, pleated shorts and gardening gloves are a sure way to blend in.”

I don’t know if I hadn’t given it much of a thought before, but during this trip I was struck by how much gossip there is amongst my family down there. I learned things about my cousins I would pay to have circumvented around my long-term memory. Every single person that wasn’t at the get-together got railed on. My wife and I hadn’t seen them for over a year, so there’s no telling what they really thought about us. One of my aunt and uncles apparently took it as a slap in the face when we didn’t have an open bar at our wedding. That didn’t stop them from giving us a giant iron skillet (in the box) that I swear has traces of egg stuck to it. It’s just weird…no one wants to talk about anything because they all know that it will be used against them in one capacity or another. Most of the dialogue consisted of complaining about humidity, pool chemicals, the evils of cancer, and lack of a bug zapper.

Most of the time I spent contemplating the ways I’d be different if I’d lived there my entire life. My only conclusion was that I’d be a lot better at navigating the aisles of “Super Wal-Mart.”