First, a disclaimer, because I think Dank’s core audience consists of people that just love disclaimers. Heck, many of you probably write them for a living. In this post I may or may not say a few things that don’t appear to put my wife in the best light (natural light). However, if you read the whole post you’ll discover that it may or may not be what it seems, in what Roger Ebert may or may not be calling “a poignant coming of age tale and profanity-laced persuasive essay on the ill’s of modern day wifery.” Anyway, the meat.

My sweet wife. The woman for whom I would jump off a cliff to save from harm, if ever that would be possible. My dear, dear personification of wonderful adjectives such as “graceful, diligent, kind, loving, and peaceful.” Notice I didn’t include “timely” in that list. And that is the fly in the ice cube for me today. You see, I’m finding that timely action in a marriage is actually quite important. Monocle-adorning Dank readers might even be impressed by my usage of the word “paramount” or “key” to describe this importance of timely action. And unfortunately for me, I now owe thousands of dollars because of the aforementioned lack of action.

This is not a Wal-Mart paperback. “Action” is not a reference to sexual activity. Timely action simply refers to acting quickly upon the receipt of valuable information. For example, about six months ago, my newly wedded wife began feeling some pain in her teeth. At the time she was employed by the Chicago Public School District, who by the way has excellent benefits, so I asked her to find a dentist and setup an appointment. Weeks and weeks went by, and every single time I remembered it, I asked her when she was going to the dentist, and she always said, “I’ll call tomorrow.” And maybe this is my entire fault, because I should have instantly looked in her benefits packet, found her a dentist, picked up the phone, dialed it, scheduled her appointment, slammed down the phone, and screamed AH-HAH at the top of my lungs. Silly me, I guess I’m still to used to making the calls I need to make and relying on others to make theirs.

Weeks later, after a semester teaching in the absolute ghetto, my wife and I decided that if she wanted to that she should resign and look for work elsewhere. She was totally burnt out on teaching, after only a year and a half of teaching in schools that are some of the worst in the city. If only they could have taken her toothaches and affinity for candy along with her willingness to teach 4th grade to kids that are old enough to be in junior high. But they didn’t.

So a few months later, I find an advertisement for a dentist not too far from our apartment, and threaten to call myself and schedule her an appointment. My wife, wounded at my apparent leap to the conclusion that she won’t make the call, calls the dentist’s office and in 2 minutes has an appointment set up. “The 2 worst minutes of my day,” my wife recalls later that evening. Since we don’t have dental insurance (my employer is a bastardly organization run by three-toed sloths), we know that the dental work is going to hurt, but it’s not like I want our friends to ever ask me how long my wife has been a professional hockey player.

So anyway, my wife has 7 cavities and needs a root canal and crowns and a host of other crap. The dentist explains to us that she has “soft teeth,” a hereditary condition that means she is more prone to cavities. The dentist also proudly announced that my wife is an excellent brusher. I expected him to also proudly announce that he knows I’m going to be an excellent customer for many years to come because of these soft teeth. Thousands of dollars. Break open the piggy bank, Peggy.

And to me the thing right now that strikes me is that I’m not really angry. I’m excited. I am ecstatic! I’m so stoked about this new invention, the telephone. You can talk to people and schedule things, even in advance! All this knowledge from a one-time use of the telephone. Amazing invention, really. I’m also glad to have my wife’s teeth all fixed up, because I have this recurring dream in which all her teeth fall out and it’s just really gross and I need it to stop. I guess she’s in a lot of pain, too.

Are there two medals that I can get for her, one for pain tolerance and one for lack of timely phone action? I will melt them down together into a mold of the ultimate medal for my wife. And as that burning ore cools and the odor fills our nostrils, I’ll smile and recall that if any injuries come about because of this metal-working project, State Farm Agent Steve Bedford could care less.

Ah, April. Time to cover your studio apartment’s toilet with Saran-Wrap, hide in the shower, and wait in dismay as none of your stuffed-animal friends fall for one of the messiest April Fool’s gags in the book. But as you stand or sit in the shower, pondering if you should test the plastic wrap yourself, your mind seeks and finds something that won’t require disgusting cleanup and shame…baseball. And this year’s National League Central Division race figures to be one for the aged. That’s right, a real sleeper. Here’s a rundown of this year’s contenders:

Chicago Cubs
Projected Finish: 1st Place
The Cubs, defending Central Division Champions, are going to win this year for one reason: the Left-Handed Todd Factor. In years past, left-handed players with the first name “Todd,” namely Todd Hundley, have screwed the Cubs beyond belief. 2003 was a buffer year for the Cubs, who before last season traded Hundley to the Dodgers for a barrel of laughs and at least 10 additional wins. Before the 2004 season, the Cubs bolstered their reserves by signing free agents Todd Walker and Todd Hollandsworth, both left-handed sparkplugs off the bench and both named Todd. Already Hollandsworth has paid huge dividends…against the Braves he crushed a game-tying homer in the 9th inning of a game the Cubs went on to win. Get used to the feeling, Cubs fans…you’re in for a rum-covered almond of a season (a very good thing).

Houston Astros
Projected Finish: 2nd Place
In the offseason, Houston made a big splash in the kiddie pool by signing pitchers Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens. However, their downfall this year is simply that the Cubs are better. Manager Jimy Williams will find it difficult to motivate a team that is destined to be second-best. The old saying “A jack of all trades and a master at none” never translated well to baseball, which in unfortunate for the 2004 Astros. On a brighter note, the owners of the Astros could save a lot of money by selling a few of their higher-priced contracts, such as Jeff Bagwell’s, to a slow pitch softball team. If Roy Oswalt injures his groin again, or if Lance Berkman switches his makeup brand, the Astros may fall to 3rd place.

Milwaukee Brewers
Projected Finish: 3rd Place
The future looks bright for the young and spry Brewers club, and the present isn’t too bad either. With the very lowest payroll in baseball, the Brewers are born overachievers (not to mention a few tough outs). Expect the Brewers to be in contention for longer than anyone thought they would be this season. Still, holes in their middle and end relief contribute to at least 10 games that the bullpen blows a win for a Milwaukee starter. As the frustration between the starters and relievers grows, Brewers Manager Ned Yost’s designation of Brooks Kieschnick to mediate the situation won’t help at all. In September when rosters expand, the Brewers should be an exciting team to watch.

Cincinnati Reds
Projected Finish: 4th Place
The Reds’ starting rotation of Cory Lidle, Paul Wilson, Jose Acevedo, Jimmy Haynes, and Aaron Harang doesn’t scare anyone. In the first month of the season, this could work to their advantage. In the long-run, though, the Reds are collectively screwed. If a starting lineup with the names Dunn, Griffey, Kearns, and Casey was supported with 4 better-than-average starters, this team would be a serious contender. Still, watch for them to play spoiler to at least one team’s hopes for the playoffs (besides their own).

Pittsburgh Pirates
Projected Finish: 5th Place
The Pirates team has become a sort of retirement home for washed-up major league hitters that are trying to not be washed-up anymore. On one hand it’s a great story…come play for the Pirates and do well and they will trade you to a team that is inevitably better than they are. But on the other it is a shame for a young starting rotation that is very competitive and has fooled most of the hitters in the National League at least once. If the Reds’ offense married the Pirates’ pitching, their child would be named Susan. And Susan would trounce all opponents except the vaunted Chicago Cubs. Three words for you, Pittsburgh: stem cell research.

St. Louis Cardinals
Projected Finish: Dead Last
2004 is the year of pitching, and the Cardinals just don’t have any. Matt Morris is hittable, Woody Williams is finally as old as he looks, Chuck Finley isn’t coming back, and Rich Ankiel couldn’t pitch his way out of a run-on sentence. Look for the lowly Cardinals to make St. Louis appear to be their Double-A affiliate this year. And have they been drafting any pitching? It doesn’t look good for the Gateway City Goose-Eggs this year. On the bright side, I’m sure that Albert Pujols is overjoyed to waste the next few years of his life pretending that he isn’t jealous that J.D. Drew got traded before this season. The one very good thing about the Cardinals is that Sneetch’s brother is broadcasting their Single-A affiliate, the Peoria Chiefs.