The kid has gone too far. Without delving too far into it, I made a website for a musician about a year and half ago, which he has since transformed into a murky pool of overblown self-promotion. This guy has been heard onstage comparing his music to more talented artists, as well as pontificating that Mozart would be wrong to assume that one of his amateurish, tractor-pull-esque songs should be performed in 4/4 time instead of his choice, 3/4 time. Anyway, to complete his sole ownership of the dictionary’s definition of the word “suck”, here is a recent post from his website. The post was aptly titled, “Upcoming Gig and… I’m engaged!” An excerpt: 

On another front, last Saturday my girlfriend, Meghan McGowan, and I got engaged! Here are the full details about how I did it:

My mom was in on it. I had her call my girlfriend last week and tell her that my mom wanted my girlfriend and me to have portraits taken, and that the photos would be her Christmas present to me.

Well, that was partly right, in that it would be a Christmas present for someone! So on Saturday, last week, we went in for our appointed photo shoot time. My girlfriend, being the snoop she is, asked if I had a ring in my pockets. I showed her that I didn’t. We stepped into the photo shoot area. Half-way through the shoot I pulled out a box from my sock. She opened it, and inside I planted a note that said, “I’m sorry. What you’re looking for is not in this box.” She thought that was it, and that I was just teasing her. I then proceeded to pull out another box from my other sock. (the ring was really in this one.) I got down on one knee, and I asked “Will you marry me?” Of course she said yes…

Okay, is that not the most disgusting and just weird proposal you’ve ever heard of? Granted, I don’t know how Borg popped the question. But even if he surprised his girlfriend by leaping out of a trashcan and presenting her with a fecal-encrusted ring pop, he’s not tough actin’ tinactin’ his way into her extended family and heart. Ugh. So gross. Can you imagine him being like, “Uhh, Wait a minute I have to take off my other shoe.” Can you imagine that!!!! My wife’s response sums it up perfectly. She said, “If he did that to me I would have pulled a note out of my butt that said ‘Try again, sir.’”

Update! (Archived Version of Finals Meals Page from June 2003)

Dude, what is seriously worse is that my freaking most favorite page on the internet has been removed forever. The final meals page for the Texas Repartment of Criminal Justice or whatever took it off their site (it was the most frequented page on their site besides the homepage). So a couple of state gov’t-hating hicks raise a big stink about their tax money being spent on keeping the final meal requests page on the state website updated. Geez man, if my tax money went for that I’d try so much harder to find a job. I have driven through Texas on my way to better places and spent money on vittles and gasohol. And how have I been repaid? By having to delete my favorite bookmark.

I even emailed them and told them i had been using it for research over the past 6 months and i needed access to it. they’ll give info but only based on a specific inmate request. They responded in like 5 minutes to my email, which clearly means they are WAY TOO BUSY to update the most intriguing page on the internet every other week someone is executed. So I got mad and was like, oh well, my fucking research amounts to measuring how hard i laugh at all those dead people’s final meal requests anyway. I guess they took the “high road” by not responding to that. BALLLLLLLLSSSSS!

And you know if someone there was cool they could post it somewhere else on the site for a day so that people could have one last look (and could download it). But it’s a bunch of hillbillies is what it is. I bet they made an intranet for themselves just so they could look at it all day. Lord knows I would.

A delicious treat: the final meals page was and is linked to from this page: a chocolate cake recipes page. Scroll down a bit but it’s there. Can’t you see how this whole thing perpetuates itself?