What’s more fitting to commemorate the Pilgrims’ harvest feast than writing out a sordid and meandering list of things that I’m thankful for? It’s a shame that I couldn’t come up with an answer for that question.

1. circular windows
2. widowers
3. sheathes
4. pizza that doesn’t take like metal
5. my local hate-pants support group (PAFR)
6. tatters
7. phil spector-less beatles releases
8. my wife’s unintentionial slams (she said she thought a woman she heard talking had “large features”)
9. jokes made about idiots that answer cell phones in restaurants
10. the tenth grade
11. broken english
12. sharing printers
13. burnouts
14. cranberry glaze
15. that loud judge on tv that insults people
16. green lights and alrights
17. horrible movie recommendations
18. alan kalter
19. extension cords
20. commensalism

I don’t know if you’ve ever had a cranberry glaze, but it is seriously good. I tried it in a basement cafeteria under Marshall Fields, so I can’t help to think of what would happen if say, Boston Market started making it. Perhaps they already do. But they tick me off because I can’t see very well at night and I always think I’m approaching a Steak n’ Shake, and it turns out it’s dumb ol’ Boston Market. Have you ever ordered meat loaf from a drive through? It’s very lewd, yet somehow satisfactory.

Each year I become totally obsessed with the Kennedy Assassination for a week and last week was no exception. I plan on sometime making a big diagram of all the conspiracy theories and also writing a giant theory of my own. A theory to end all theorizing. Then again, in a few days my fascination with the History Channel will subside (those turkeys devote half-days showing how giant steamliners are built, but completely refuse to explain how those little ships in a bottle are made) and thankfully it’ll be smooth sailing until next November.

My years of schooling finally played off. I came into work yesterday and my boss said “Take this 3 x 5 note card and write down a few key ideas to help yourself remember. I’m going to give you a sheet of equations and a few constants, but that is it. You may use your books, and under NO circumstances do I want you to talk to anyone else. If you have a questions you can come to me, but I think all the problems are very self explanatory.”

He handed me a paper copy of some strain gauge data I collected a few days ago on a new compressor wheel design we are working on. He wanted modified Goodman diagrams and a steady state stress report from that data. He added “ And NO CALCULATORS! You kids think you can make machines do all the work for you! This company would be much better off if we all just did everything by hand and quit all this voo-doo calculator bullshit. And I don’t want to see you asking anyone for help or looking at their paper.”

I knew he was right. I have been addicted to my crutch long enough. So I started doing all my Laplas Transforms and limit calculations by hand. I’d never actually been trained to use a calculator or computer to do this stuff anyway. Now I spend about a month on each node I want to investigate instead of doing a quarter million nodes in about a half hour with my black magic software. If I get one equation wrong, I can easily look through the binders of handwritten work to find the problem, hours after I made the mistake, rather than have the computer error check my work before I ask it to calculate. We are all better off now. Thanks professors.

This is what I have to deal with on a daily basis. The balance between superhuman ultra-dork engineers and subhuman lowest common denominator union workers isn’t much of a balance at all. It’s much like I imagine it would have been for poor Roy, being yanked back and forth by that tiger (a big CAT if you will). You act one way with the nerdy assholes perched atop their high horse who think they’re better than you because they’re smarter than you and another way with the simpleton union guys who think they’re better than you because they work with their hands and do an honest days work (note: the word honest is used very loosely here). One minute I’m telling scientist jokes, the next I’m making fart noises in my armpit.

Now, if I had to choose, I’d pick the union guys to hang out with. Here’s an example why. The following are the two conversations I heard on my way to my desk this morning:

Nerd #1: “I’m ready for some snow!”

Nerd #2: “Don’t worry I think you’ll get it next week. I don’t think this GLOBAL WARMING is going to last much longer!”

Nerds in unison: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH”

This conversation made two things clear to me: 1) I had two knives on my person at the time, and 2) Both of their backs were facing me.

My salvation was the very next thing I saw/heard as the two nerds parted ways at a T intersection.

(Cut to an older union worker pushing a huge garbage bin down the hall)

Cafeteria lady: (eating a bacon and mayonaise sandwich) “Hey Carl what you doin?”

Carl: (glancing from his garbage bin to the cafeteria lady and stopping) “Well, I just stopped by to pick you up.”

Now THAT is comedy. It sure did take a long time for me to get to the punchline though, eh? Go fuck yourself.

Extra content:
1. 5 points to the first person to point out the above sentence that ends with a preposition.

2. Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
A: I’ve got two fives for a ten.

Product sold by me at the health food store where I work. Makes me feel all warm and gay inside.

In case any of you haven’t heard, Paris Hilton made a sex tape with some guy named Rick, and she doesn’t want you to see it. This debutante-turned-hoochie sure has her finger on the pulse of American society… her approach makes so much sense. “Hi. I’d like to make a public statement ON THE NEWS that there is a video of me having sex and it has been released publicly. I’m very insulted by this, and I hope that none of you will download this readily available XXX-explicit video of me having sex. It sickens me to think that just anyone could download Kazaa, select “search for video,” and type in my name to gain access to this hot, unrated material. If you have seen this tape, please do not discuss it publicly, as this footage of me engaging in lewd acts with a chubby dude named Rick will surely cause my name to be dragged through the mud. Again, I’m pleading with you: please ignore this EROTIC VIDEO that you probably weren’t aware of prior to my making this statement.”