I have to admit that I haven’t been keeping up with the war on terrorism. To be honest the whole thing seems like a hackneyed subplot from the latest Tom Clancy novel turned Hollywood picture. I also have never read a Tom Clancy novel nor do I ever intend to. But the point is that the war on terrorism is about as real to me as red is to the blind. I don’t know any terrorists and to my knowledge I’ve never seen one. I do eat at the occasional gyro place but those guys always seem friendly and insist I have an extra pita so they can’t be all bad. Whatever their view of my government is, a free pita is still a free pita and that’s more than John Adams ever did for me. The only personal encounter I’ve had with the war on terror has come in a few forms I don’t think Tom Ridge had in mind [see photo].

Yes that is a urinal mat taken from a public restroom, and not just a public restroom but a gas station public restroom. The sticker advocating the patriotic prophylactic, also from a gas station bathroom. The lighter was merely the picture that finally made me want to post about these things. There’s no story to it, I just saw it on the internet and knew that I wanted a lighter that played a patriotic tune as I lit a perfectly American cigarette. This is what has filtered down to me, Joe Schmo, in the war on terrorism. Not some anti-terroism manual or a list of phone numbers of who to call to report the olive skinned man selling me fried chicken who may or may not have said he wanted to kill the president, but a piece of rubber that you piss on and a piece of rubber that you wear like a hat. Oh yeah, and a lighter. Clearly the war on terror is succeeding in spreading it’s message and in all the right places. It my take years before this strategy produces real results but maybe we’ll at least get some sort of 9/11 commorative oreo sometime in the next three years.

I got all riled up about the Lord of the Rings the other day so I watched like 7 featurettes in a row on the official movie site. It was clearly a high point in the week for me, as discovering how they fashioned the weapons for the Battle of Helm’s Deep produced more endorphins than my brain had experienced since late last summer in your mother’s hammock. And did you know that Elijah Wood is a hobbit in real life? They had to make him look less like a hobbit during filming. Fascinatulous!

Although I did watch all those featurettes, the real reason I had to post this was because there is a woman at work that totally makes the Gollum noise every 3 minutes, and it’s always in mid-sentence. “You should fax 2 copies to GOLLUM! GOLLUM! accounting and another to the WHEEZE! vendor.” Her poor lungs must hate her. I totally caught myself the first time I heard it being like, “Ha ha ha, you know you totally sound like Smeagol…uh I mean, the last girl that worked here…Tamara Smihgole.” My change in spelling totally threw her off my path.

Last night I watched North by Northwest for the first time. It’s everything I could ever ask for from Hitch. Hitch. You fat genius of an Englishman. Not like Tolkien. Fatter.

So I bought a BB gun through e-Bay here is an exchange of emails I had with my seller.

mrfildo@dank2k.org wrote:

good sir,

can you please confirm that my cashier’s check has
arrived and provide a shipping confirmation number
as one becomes available? I sent your payment a
week ago, and although i have the truest faith in
the postal service, i would be more comfortable if
you tell me when it has arrived.

much obliged,
mrflido

I received the following reply:

Yes i got your mail today and i will send the package
on monday ==>> better flow from monday to your place
than i wish ship today if UPS will delay and the
package will sitting in heated room the compress gas
can get happen

so i better wait until monday i going shipping out the
package to you
i will send you confirm tracker for shipping

the package about 9 x 8 x 13 inches look like food box
the gun will hidden and compress can will
wrapped with foam prevent from heat

Thank for mail with m.o.
Craig

So my buddy Ian and I were exchanging emails about how the cubs became caricatures of themselves last night when he told me about a guy at his place who was brought to tears by the outcome of Game 7. “But I’ve seen him cry a lot” quoth Ian. Clearly I needed more details, and this is what I got:

“yeah. he weighs like 350, parents are getting divorced and girls keep dumping him. so he cries. once for like 3 hours. he was completely inconsolable. it all started cause one of our friends brothers was tryin to get his passed out ass out of the back of his car, and said “man you are a big guy” or something along those lines. he then cried in the car for awhile, cried while sitting across the street, cried while crossing the street cause he is “scared of ice” then came into our house and cried for like an hour in the back room. then he came out and ate a pound of shredded cheese and no less then 20 individual american slices.”

I think we’ve all been there.

I am the intenet Yoda.

Do you think my employer would like to pay me to surf the internet? I’m thinking of starting a business where people call me and ask me a question. Then I bust out some jedi mind tricks on the ol’ computer and give them their answer.

Me: “You will pay for this service.”

You: “I will pay for this service.”

ps. I’d like to send out a heartfelt apology to Jerome’s esteemed father, Chuck Dick. I’m sorry for all the vulgarity, sir.

fuckcockpussysnatchjiz

Last night for reasons that will go unexplained, I gave my phone number to two people. One was a beautiful girl that I fell in love with, the other was a relentless heterosexually-challenged male.

Guess which one called.

I hope I never own or administer my own webserver. I hope I never charge a soul to host their measly 22-page not-for-very-much-profit website. Because I would rather be plucked like any sort of waterfowl than for those things to happen. For 22 days I’ve had an open support ticket with a certain webhost, whose site I won’t link directly because 1 page view for today might just be a feather in their cap. The problem is that they cannot handle it that the company I work for has their own mailserver. Form-generated emails from the website aren’t reaching the company’s mailserver. And yet, it’s “not their problem.”

“Oh no, it’s not us, it’s obviously not us, how could it be us? Our record of your MX information wasn’t correct, but that wasn’t us and we fixed it. Our records of your DNS info weren’t correct and we fixed them, but that was your fault. Oh and it takes 4-48 hours for records to propagate. It didn’t propagate? Has it been 2 whole days? Oh it has. But that isn’t our fault, it’s probably yours. Time is a dimension beyond our scope, it’s probably an issue with your date/time properties in your system tray. It’s SO not us, it’s all you, bobalou. What’s that? Sendmail is misrouting e-mails? It can’t be you, it has to be us? We’ve never hosted any companies with more than 3 real employees? Hmm, maybe it is us. Yup, yup, has to be us. Uh, we’ll “work” on that. After our fucking Lunchables propagate.

I have seen more wisdom from a broken dining room table-leg. I feel like I’ve dealt with a passing in the family this has been so drawn out and malignant. In an obvious way, this is all the fault of dansdesigns.org, the first “host” of dank back when Bunker was shimmying up trees and flinging his posts on unsupposing passerbys. There was nary a care in the world. I weeesh…I weeesh…I weesh…

Anyone that has any expertise as far as if sendmail can route e-mails to a different server than the one it’s installed on please let me know. I still don’t even think the idiot tech support guy even knows we house our own mailserver. He has a stupid voice too. It’s like someone with a regular voice is talking with a stupid voice when it would be much more plausible to go with the regular voice…very frustrating. Ack.