I have too much time on my hands.

With such an abundance of posts each month, some terrible internet humor inevitably falls between the spacious cracks of Dank. This time around, it’s the enigmatically hilarious G.I. Joe PSA commercials created by Eric Fensler. You’ll never look at porkchop sandwiches the same way again.

Thanks to Dank’s newly expanded bandwidth and storage, we can host these videos without the fear that a few people will accidently download them and I’ll go to jail for not being able to pay a $7,000 hosting bill. Right click these links and ’save as’.

Update: links removed

Porkchop Sandwiches! (1.19 mb .wmv)
Computer (1.33 mb .mov)
Shit! (.42 mb .avi)
Nosebleed (.89 mb .mov)
Vinyl Purse (1.66 mb .avi)
Jamaican (.95 mb .wmv)
Soccer (2.10 mb .avi)
Skier (1.25 mb .mov)
Carnival (1.16 mb .wmv)
Campfire (2.08 mb .avi)

Also, this site has a 112 mb file with higher quality versions of a few of the above.

Dear Jerry Seinfeld and Columbia Tristar,

I will make this tree my home until you release the entire 8 or however many seasons of Seinfeld there are on DVD. I cannot get enough Seinfeld with only 3-5 Seinfeld re-runs per day showing in my regional market, so I climb branch over branch in indignation. I wish to pay a total of $225 over a span of several weeks, months, or years depending on the time between releases. If you calculate the number of people like myself, you will ascertain that just by taunting us with pre-order options, you will immediately have enough money to produce Seasons 1-5. And do you have any idea how much money I’m going to lose being up an oak instead of mowing lawns? You may as well be diverting my very lifeblood to your corporate accounts.

Hey, can I get all those funny clips where Kramer is making Jerry laugh so they have to keep re-doing the scene? Good gosh I love watching outtakes over and over and over. Soon I almost wonder when someone will not goof it up! Even someone like myself, a simian, can appreciate such gags. The gift of the Seinfeld DVD set will not go overlooked! Please accept these dung-tinged leaves in return for the week I will call in sick to work every day so I can stay home and watch each episode in the order of my choosing. And also I will want to return home and lie down because bunking in a tree…two words…bark rash. I will mount my Dura-Flat OmniVaioThinMaxPlateletScreen to the ceiling so I can start watching during my 2 day/1 night soak in Caladryl.

And since I’m financing your friend’s neice’s college education with DVD wampum, please shut that Orney Adams guy up. It’s not enough that I go to the movie “Comedian”, rent the DVD, and then purchase it. That right there is a lifetime’s torment of Orney Adams. He should complain about himself being featured as an up-and-coming comedian instead of his true identity, a Cinnabon employee unsure of his role with the roll-maker, a role he will surely learn to grasp betwixt his third and fourth fingers.

I’d give anything to see that George Steinbrenner impersonation in 16×9. Seriously, anything. Just ask and it is yours. I am putty in your hands, Jerry Seinfeld Columbia Tristar. Putty in your toe-thumbed man hands.

Sincerely,
Lou

Enclosure: leaves with poopy on them

Nintendo Commercials

This link just had to go on the front page. My personal favorites include the Nintendo breakfast cereal spot (the theme from which I’ve worked into a shower-time medley with Edelweiss and Peter Cetera’s Glory of Love), and Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. Oh, who am I kidding, they all rule.

- I hate the Cubs. I like Shepps. One of my favorite people ever, but his affection for the north siders makes me want to tear his larynx out and shove it up his ass. Then his voice would sound even more like a fart.

- God hates me. Whenever I want to do cool shit, the weather sucks. Whenever the two foot weeds force me to mow the yard, its 78 and sunny.

- I can’t believe I haven’t seen a video clip of Madonna and Ms. Spears making out yet. Oh sure, I’ve seen the pix plenty of times, but no video. Is it too much to ask that someone play that on a station that I watch, when I’m watching it? Damn.

- It bothers me that I now know that SSX SuperDuper Uber Tricky Ill-Mega 2004 has been made, but isn’t on sale yet. The fact that people record albums, make movies, write books, etc, and don’t release them right away is just plain dumb.

- Its pretty ridiculous that I say things like, “I have a huge johnson” when I really have no idea whether or not my johnson is all that huge. If I were a betting man, I’d definitely go with the under.

- It sucks that all people (me) can’t spend a weekend a month visiting Murfreesboro, Tn. Ganar, Borg, Aireline, Harper, niceness, under-the-breath/behind-the-back making fun of the niceness… Those are a few of the things that should be enjoyed on a regular basis. Oh, and Borg loves to eat garbage.

Lates.

A competitive nature can really turn some people off. I remember this guy who played in a church softball league that got so mad if someone dropped a throw or fouled off a pitched after two strikes (an out in fatty church softball). So it was normal to throw the ball at this guy’s ankles or just really far to his left or right on purpose to see how red in the face he’d get. I’ve always sort of pretended that I don’t care much about the outcome of things, but that is a straightforward lie. I want everyone to lose. Just wanted to clear that up. Rain delays are the worst, especially if you’re out in it.

At a wedding a few weeks ago, these people that my wife and I don’t know very well invited us and asked us to help them by being parking lot attendants. In my opinion they had just blown their cover that they secretly hate us, and had decided to openly flaunt it by dangling us in front of all their friends and family with little yellow nametags on. We wore pieces of flair for these people. My point is that at the wedding, I was saying, “Oh my gosh I hope a giant red rubber ball comes helter skelter down the aisle and bowls you idiots over!” And their wedding programs were very well done and genuinely funny, which ticked me off.

A sort of unrelated item…my wife doesn’t like it when I remind her once an hour that I am her beneficiary. I mentioned it once to her parents, but I think they didn’t hear and nodded anyway. I am sick of pants and shirts. Have you talked to anyone about the recall in California? Me neither, let’s keep it that way, carpetbaggers. When did the news media start using the acronym “VMA’s”? That nitwit hand gesturing MTV2 deejay’s life hasn’t been in vain. You know I had something really witty to start saying to people that I thought up last night but totally have forgotten it by now. Argh. Goodday.