Dear Girl With Short Blonde Hair Who Sits Three Seats Away From Me In My Astronomy Class During My Ninth Semester At College,

We noticed each other today, didn’t we? Or rather, I noticed you. My eyes connected with your body and possibly your soul from across the room the moment you walked into class. From time to time, you seemed to acknowledge our instantaneous attraction by looking back at me. I understand that the clock was located on the wall right above my head, but don’t worry, I know your intentions were dual. I was also impressed with your cute strategy to pretend you are disinterested, which you demonstrated by adorably feigning disgust when you caught me staring at you. Anyway, I’m writing to tell you, I think it’s time I revealed: I’m deeply in lust with you.

I know what you’re thinking. We don’t know each other very well, or at all. Well I may not know your name, nor have we ever spoken, but I think our feelings can surpass these technicalities. There are several things about you I know and love. I adore the way I imagine your laugh would sound as we watch the season finale of Big Brother 4 together, hand in hand. In my mind, could anyone possibly love reality television more than you? If so, I’m confident that person is me, which makes our inevitable coupling all the more imminent. Your pez collection will surely rival mine, once I come to know you better and you feel ready to share such treasured things with me. I won’t be jealous though, instead we will discuss our other similarities, such as being unemployed and not owning a vehicle, as we share a large number of McDonald’s double cheeseburgers, a meal that you may suggest is your favorite.

Girl With Short Blonde Hair Who Sits Three Seats Away From Me In My Astronomy Class During My Ninth Semester At College, you’ve won my heart, and I don’t even know your name, although it would be convenient if it went well with my last name.

Arnold on gay marriage.

Lets review:

1. Inigo has been looking for the six fingered man for 20 years.
2. Inigo has been chilling in the Thief’s Forest looking for work.
3. After the Dread Pirate Roberts mucks up Vizzini’s kidnapping plan Inigo goes BACK to the Thief’s Forest to chill there until Vizzini returns.

So Inigo is spending a fair amount of time a hop, skip and a jump away from Humperdinck’s castle which also happens to house his right hand man Count Rugen, the very same 6 fingered man that Inigo has been searching for “these 20 years.” Seeing as how Inigo asks every damn person he meets how many fingers they have on their right hand, don’t you think someone would have mentioned Count Rugen to him while he was shacked up in the Thief’s Forest?

Inigo - “Excuse me, you don’t happen to have 6 fingers on your right hand?”

Thief #4 - “No, I don’t, but check it: That Rugen motherfucker up in the castle does.”

How did this not happen? I call bullshit.

In fact, I call bullshit on this entire movie. Come to think of it, those cliffs weren’t all that insane anyway.

Today I braved the masses and dined at the 2nd most ghetto Taco Bell in downtown Chicago. This particular Taco Bell comes complete with an attached KFC (ugh!) and an armed security guard whose only job perk is free use of the soda fountain. I’ve wanted to post about this particular Taco Bell for quite awhile and today unfortunately sent me over the edge. Sneetch also mentioned the other day that the black woman from Carmen Sandiago may have been murdered. I’ll bet a greasy spoon that her eulogy contains the word “gumshoe”. Treasuring these things in my heart, I stepped forth to order from the cashier who had just sneezed on her hands and asked for a #14.

Upon arrival to my seat I found that I had received a #8, and determined that the cashier had simply gone as high as she could count and stopped. Not wanting to interrupt the gun-toting LaFours from his freshly refilled Barq’s, I decided not to cause a stir and “roll with the new” or whatever Sinbad always says. I don’t know if you’ve been to Taco Bell this summer, but there is some peel-off prize scheme that only a glue-sniffing marketing intern could have dreamed up. I began to notice all around me giant Gordita posters that read, “Win Gas! I wish I could wisk you away from your computer into a Taco Bell to see this clamoring parade of ironic wording for yourself.

So I guess just about everyone that eats at Taco Bell wins this contest. I’m winning it right now, or maybe I’ve already won. It seemed a larger than normal throng of tourists were downtown over lunch today. One man, who shall be known as “Digital Backpack,” took a picture of a revolving door. I only hope he knows that a 3-year old has an identical amount of wonder for things that move. I should have indulged his sense of adventure with a ball of yarn. Did anyone know Scottie Pippen is on the Bulls again? Scottie should follow up his Christmas 2000 post. I can’t wait for the sound of him bricking 3-pointers at the United Center to return. ‘S coo’, bro.