I hope you are reading Matt Sheppo!

Some of you may know my brother, and some of you may not. He’s a very strange and disturbed person. Needless to say, like all disturbed people, he has a website. He and his roommates have formed a “band” of sorts, by which I mean they get drunk and make horrible noise into a video camera mic.

The “band” is currently called “Donkey Punch,” though they will be changing the name because 19 other punk bands already named themselves Donkey Punch. What does all this have to do with Sheppo, you ask? Jesus Christ! Why can’t you be a little patient? Donkey Punch has posted their first original song, called “The Olsen Twins Song.” Based on the few parts that I can understand, it expresses a heartfelt desire to have sex with the twins. You can find it at my brother’site, Wasted Brains. Go to the “projects” section.

Under no circumstances should you look at other parts of my brother’s site, as the content will instantly reduce your intellectual capacity to that of a slug, or Chris Carraba.

Taxes really honk me off. Last week I encountered a considerable amount of “out of the ordinary” expenses. I thought I needed a simple alignment modification but ended up dropping 4 bills on tires and all that shit. I bought plane tickets to visit a sick friend (he isn’t ill, just sick). I thought it would all fall together because work had been a shit-storm and somehow I ended the week with 13 hours of overtime. I went in on Saturday for Christ sake. Thirteen hours at time-and-a-half plus my regular salary, I thought I would be ok. Au contraire!

Turns out that if you work overtime, the Government assumes that your overachieving urge is solely patriotism and opts for 44% tax on all that overtime. 44%!!! That was enough to inspire a post, but then it gets better. I’m listening to NPR on the way home. I like to know what’s going on in the world and see what my tax money is buying me. Wrong day to listen. The Supreme Court, the highest legal body in our country, had just handed down a verdict. The Honorable Justices deliberated, and in a 7 to 4 vote, struck down the old Texas law banning sodomy. What the hell?!?!?

Doesn’t it take like millions of dollars (taxpayer dollars) of legal fees and appeals just before it gets to the Supreme Court? When I was a kid (this isn’t going where you think it is) I thought “Government” was this big building walking around and doing shit. I’ll pay for that! I’ll pay for wars! I won’t pay for our country’s top court full of respectable(?) Justices, secured in their positions for life, debating BUTTSEX!!

The verdict is that cornhole-love is ok…OF Course! Who would want to enforce the ban? Now I can enjoy that privilege every week when I look at my pay stub and feel my poor little sphincter pucker and try to heal before next week.

The new Ren and Stimpy sucks. Sucks so bad. It’s the kind of show that sort of dumbfounds at it’s abilty to be impervious to fun-making simply because to do so would be like turning to your friend and exclaiming that we breathe air. There’s really no need to go into it because everything you need to know is already laid out for you. It’s just understood. But this crap fest needs some kind of comment if not just for the lousy voice acting.

First of all, they’re gay. I mean Richard Simmons gay but without the prancing and enthusiasm. It’s as though there’s a mean-spiritedness to the whole thing. For instance, throughout the epsisode I watched, there was an ongoing argument about which one was the pitcher and which one was the catcher and nary a baseball was seen. And I imagine this was the first mainstream cartoon to have one of it’s main characters, shit, any character, receive a Dirty Sanchez via rat asshole. Plus, when every gag, I mean every single one, in your show relies on either an anus or a nostril to deliver it, you know you’re in comedy wasteland. I don’t know where the show could possibly go after this since up doesn’t seem to be an option. TNN I guess was swingin for the fences on this one but seems to have simply hit itself square in the nuts…many, many times.

Who the fuck is Alvis? Sounds like a chipmunk car rental store.

No need to thank me, Newton.

Do you deny the international influence of my Alvian followers?!

My faithful will demand retribution for your oversight! Repent that I may show mercy.

That aside, I, like so few of the rest of you will be holed up Thursday night watching the NBA Draft. David Stern is dreamy.

My boy Kev up in the Windy City kindly requests that the Dank staff get their shit together and write some funny stuff. Or, simply write something to appease that whiny little bitch.

Here are some suggestions:
Jerome: Tell us about Florida and how nice it is living in the “jekyll island” of the southern U.S.
Shepps: Regale us with tales of misadventure and hijinks on the open seas. Or talk about the Olsen Twins new found legality and pending restraining order against the “sorta cute, creepy guy from illinois that dances funny.”
Borg: More Moosle. We all need a little more Moosle.
Lou: I’ve never really figured out what it is you write about, but I think I like it, so do it some more.
IDQ: Complain about something. Anything.
MrFildo Buy a goddam fox and tell us about it. Pronto.

And me, I’ll be working on my epic “Explaining the joys of marriage” post that will probably never happen. All the while I’ll be longing for the long overdue return of Sneetch, Newton and Jamaal.

Earlier this evening I had an enduring hallucination where Tom Green was hosting the Late Show. Also, just now I picked up the Dust-Off, thinking it was my soda.

You know, this is kinda random, but I was just thinking about: encyclopedias. I mean the big, maroon, 26-volume set that sits dusty in your parents’ or grandparents’ house.

There was a time that these things were incredibly useful - and it wasn’t that long ago. Even 8 or 10 years ago they were useful - and anybody who ever attended middle school prior to the rise of the internet used them for probably every “report” they had to write.

Now, they are totally useless. COMPLETELY. Who in their right mind would use an encyclopedia? Yes, yes, I know that someone is going to start shouting about how not everyone can afford an internet connection, but let’s face it, it’s cheaper than a set of encyclopedias!

Just think - over all the world, or even just the united states - of the thousands and thousands of pounds of dusty, obsolete, out-of-date, useless encyclopedias sitting in basements or attics.

So, in short: Encyclopedias suck. I guess you could use one volume to prop up the short leg of a shitty couch or something, but that’s about it.

That is all.

As of tomorrow, hiatus begins for the Dank webmaster, Jerome. One might assume this would mean less posts from me, but in this case, it’s going to mean an explosion of updates. Grouper sandwiches will enable the creativity factor in me that has long been latent. I’ll be like a chipmunk…with a disease! Who didn’t love that analogy?