At work there’s this chaunce named Martin, who among other things has hair plugs, is 37, and calls his mom every other night when he isn’t wrapping his lips around a fat gun. IDQ will appreciate this: the guy is the network administrator for a medium-size company, and today he thought by running a network cable between two computers they could automatically transfer files between them. Yeah, he’s clearly a walking b.s.o.d.

Last week for some strange reason, Sneetch and I discovered that Martin has began wearing two watches on the same wrist, much to the amusement of his co-workers, the general public, and anyone else who is able to spy his double-timing (a pun a day makes my neighbors less gay). Through a small survey and some brainstorming, I present to Dank the following list of possible reasons that Martin from Work wears two wristwatches on the same arm:

1. Trying to show people he can afford two watches.
2. Testing them to see which keeps better time.
3. Sets one 5 minutes fast, the other 5 minutes slow. Averages them.
4. Wants to cover up those nasty moles on his wrist.
5. Arm accessories = loose women and free bananas…or is it loose bananas and free woman?
6. Extra friction give Chief mean indian-burn!
7. Just a freaking chaunce.
8. Minute-hand is broken on one, hour-hand is broken on the other. Crosses eyes to read time.
9. Two watches draw attention away from the hair plugs.
10. More watch less talk. More watch less talk!
11. Thinks added weight will help him bulk up for upcoming Tech Conference.
12. One watch, Central Standard Time. The other, Nerd time.

If you have any other ideas, that’s cool. In other news, a homeless man with no legs said this to me today…”I’s needs to git’ somefin’ ta eat! So’s i’s can grows sum feet!” I’d like to see him try.

From Mandy Moore’s personal bulletin board, 01.20.02:

well for those of you who haven’t heard or merely haven’t listened to the gossip….it is true. wilmer and i have broken up. it is a sad place to be, but i’m happy to have some time for myself for a while. thanx for understanding
xoxox,
mm

Hmm…I wonder what could have caused this romantic turmoil. Strange how this happens only a short time after she and I embraced and looked into each other’s eyes for a few brief moments, understanding everything about each other and realizing that nothing is important except our unconditional love for one another. What you see, ladies and gentlemen, is my highly experienced and effective green thumb in action. The seed was planted in that brief moment, and now, as you can see, my botanistic endeavor has come to fruition. Soon the time will come to harvest this most arresting crop, and at last my life will be supplemented by the uncompromising beauty and girl-next-door integrity of Mandy Moore. Sigh…

I’ll see you at the premiere of A Walk to Remember.

I was watching Rocky Horror the other day, and was freaked out. Not by the gayish men in tights, or gimpy looking dancers. I have to say I was most freaked out by Meatloaf.

I mean really.

Does anyone think this guy is not repulsive? Remember Bat Out of Hell II? Sometimes I cant sleep cause I remember seeing that footage of him singing that song with the silk suit and puffy white shirt.. and he was sweating alot and making love to the microphone. Just like a thursday night at Takey’s place.

And then there was the music video for that song where Meat was like this disgusting imp with a hunchback. And him with man tits didn’t help anything either. At least they didn’t show his mangina.

And let’s not forget this man has a Grammy, and I don’t mean the kind that bakes you cookies and dresses you in the morning.

Just thought I would share how much this man frightens me.

You’re an idiot for ever wanting to know more about Sneetch that you already do…but I have a feeling that nothing can stop you from clicking here, here, and here. No need to thank me.

So I was on the El today and this fat guy next to me was reading The Lord of the Rings. Reading and breathing heavily. Then this attractive girl came on reading a book, and a few moments later, I noticed she was also reading The Lord of the Rings. So I thought for a few minutes. My first instinct was to turn to Fatty and say “Gandolf falls off the bridge”, as homage to Lou, who once shouted “Nick kills Daisy!” to someone who was reading The Great Gatsby on the El. Instead, I turned to fatty, nodded in the girl’s direction and said “you two should see the movie together.” To which he just looked at me and wheezed in a confused matter. I think he may have muttered something.

Obviously, this story is much funnier in my mind where I said things like “Are you two on the way to a book club together?” and called them various elfish names. But, alas, that didn’t happen. However, I was smirking all the way to the Monroe stop. I have really seen an absurd number of people reading that book on the el in the last month… oh well. I’d read it too if I weren’t too busy looking at your sister.

For Christmas my mom gave me some arothmatherapy candles. I don’t know if she was trying to tell me something in a gentle way, but regardless I’ve been burning the “relax” candle over the past 3 days. It smells nice. Just a few minutes ago, however, the relax candle tried to kill me. And don’t try to look at this from any other perspective, because attempting suicide (and failing, I might add) by way of a candle is weak.

I guess the wax caught on fire, it was the very end of the candle and all the wax was in liquid form. There was a giant flame, so I was like, “I will spit directly into the liquid wax to put it out.” Ha, you might say. The minute the spit hit the liquid wax a giant bunch of flames went up, and they crackled. Just like a fireworks display, but slightly different. I ran into the kitchen to get some water, but stopped because I decided adding more liquid may create more fire. It stopped crackling and died down, but now there is melted wax everywhere. Like a night indoors with your mother.

Anyway, aromatheraphy sucks. I will now burn the “attract” candle and browse the Claire Forlani gallery. She doesn’t have a lazy eye, Sneetch. I used to play Monopoly against my southern cousins and cheat. Who doesn’t have southern cousins? I’d pay a great sum not to have cousins of the south. Any takers? IDQ?

I think someone is just mad because he landed on Luxury Tax one too many times.

Hi Jerome. How is Florida? Is it better than Jekyll? Did you watch 24? I miss you honey. Latez.

Good evening. It’s late and I’m about to go to bed, but I felt the need to share this first:

Monopoly is the stupidest game ever invented. I can’t fathom how people retain the ability to play it after age 10. 6 of my friends just played it for several hours, and I think it’s safe to say that I no longer consider them my friends.

God what a stupid game. People who play Monoploy suck.

Yes, I know this post is hot-headed and judgemental. Wankers.

You know, once this Greek kid destroyed a rather awesome Lego city I built. He took a plastic hockey stick and swung it until nary a yellow head was still attached to each yellow Lego man. And I thought he got his point across. Thinking back, if that same Greek kid would have flown a real plane into my house, I only would have understood him the more.

The child of today is apt, more to the point and likably taller. And that is why today’s child says, “No, I will not write a clever letter to the the Op-Ed section of my hometown newspaper…instead I will fly a real plane into my hometown newspaper’s building!” And fly a real plane that child does. Ah, Icarus, if only your wings weren’t made of wax, or if you figured out a way not to die when crashing your real plane into the building. You will be immortalized next to the man who drove his car into his girlfriend’s trailer, or next to the woman who drove her boyfriend so far from humanity that he became known only as Takey to his last few friends: seagulls.

I saw a very large rabbit this afternoon at a pet shop. It’d be pretty funny to have a tiny dog in the house along with a giant rabbit. Any sort of rabbit-intimidation amuses me to no end, and that in fact will be my end. Goodday. Happy New Year, by the way.