Tomorrow morning, everyone’s favorite impoverished, live-in contributor, Borg and myself will begin our quest to the So Long Summer Jam in Indianapolis, IN. During our concert experience, we will fight our way through hoards of 13-year-old girls to the front of the stage to watch Dank resident Perfect Slut Mandy Moore and Ultimate Whore Willa Ford perform their masterpieces to the crowd. There will be a report on the progress of this mission. There will be an attempt at photographs. There will be a lawsuit, and restraining order to match.

Wish us luck.

So yeah, I’m not dead. It seems that the brightest star in the Dank galaxy has come out to shine once more. Call it a sabbatical or professional hiatus, whatever, point is that I decided it was time to break out ye olde updatin’ finger just in time for the dawn of a new school year.

Being a graduate takes guts. Gone is the nine month span of security bookended by three months of vacation. Outside expectations seem to rise a bit especially in the realm of future endeavors. But it’s not all bad. Take these examples:

1. You finally get to concentrate on engineering your army of ninja robots.
2. You start taking dumps at regular intervals.
3. You constantly get friendly reminders from anonymous people that you owe a tidy sum which could buy the 1856 presidency.
4. Cheese sandwiches five times a day.

And finally…

5. People look at you with a quiet dignity that says, “Who is that well-educated young man rooting through our garbage?”

So there you have it. An insiders look at what comes with hard work and taking on a debt load that rounds to the nearest thousand. Work hard my little piggies and soon you too can enjoy the perks of a post-graduate existence.

In the tradition of reality-TV, I bring you reality-DANK. This all taken from a night at the bars:

DAMN, somebody get that girl some Irish Spring, cuz she is DIR-TAY!

I don’t see what the big deal is… I like Ass-sex.

Dude, get the fuck out of my way so I can puke.

You wanna suck my cock? (NO!) Too bad, you lose.

HEY! I know that girl! But she’s not really worth talking to.

You’re going to wish you knew us in about a month and a half!

(With Penis exposed) Please make out with me… I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. (Girl turns in disgust) I thought we had something special!

I have paced this sun-scorched land in desperation the past week. Longing for something to post about, I’ve thrown myself in situations that would normally result in a post, such as going to see Rush Hour 2 at a ghetto theatre, coming home to a jick-filled apartment, driving all the way to St. Louis and back to Chicago in a 12-hour period, and going to see Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back at a ghetto theatre. Over a week ago I got so smacked by a combination of Blinkers and Summer Crushes that I casually explained to a group of actors that our aging rotund waitress possessed a part of the female anatomy that rhymes with Mulva. Or was it Delores? Even Jay’s proficiency is using the “F” word hasn’t elicited a response from me, other than the usual no-look remark. What up, Dirty Josh.

I was just reading an article on George Bush and military stuff, and it made me laugh so I thought I’d share a little about that. They really act serious about the whole “Missile Defense Shield” thing, and that strikes me as borderline double-over funny. Can you imagine being a politician and having to be all straight-faced (like your mom during lunch) while telling people that our country wants to spend billions of dollars to shoot down bombs FROM SPACE!!?? It sounds like a terrible Sci-Fi series that Satanwannabe is obsessed with. But wait, even he wouldn’t be fooled by such a bad plot scheme and terrible screen adaptation of a terrible idea to begin with.

Call me a darn pacifist if I don’t think it makes more sense (diplomatically, monetarily, historically, ethically) to improve foreign relations in general and specifically with countries we’re stupid with for no modern reason (Cuba) and countries that can’t afford enough food so that we aren’t frightened into trying to shoot down missiles from freaking outer space. I’d rather spend a billion dollars on oh…say FOOD for 1/3 of the entire world’s population, which happens to be starving. Go on, eat your footlong Italian Sub on wheat, you stupid elephant. But what you fail to realize is that the mouse preparing to scuttle under you and scare the heck out of you has a name, and that name is reality. Goodday.

Bored? Have a conversation with Radiohead’s automated Instant Messenger bot, GooglyMinotaur. He recognizes a wide range of words and phrases, so you never know what entertaining response you might get.

Canada is 1337: are you all ser?
GooglyMinotaur: Am I all ser? Gosh, I’m not sure. You think I am?
Canada is 1337: yes.
GooglyMinotaur: indeed.

Kos, in-between periods of smoking and making me hang out with Neisler, found an old artifact from 1994. Kos, Jerome, Matt Gamble and I had to make a video for class, so we chose a spoof of Jeopardy.

Here is a collage from it, and hopefully some video clips will follow shortly. It was taped over Jerome’s 1993 family Christmas. Some highlights include:

We had a category dedicated entirely to making fun of Grant Holloway. One answer is “What? What? What? What? What?? WHAT?? HECK NO, LOSER” and the question is “What is the response from a group of seven girls that grant asks out?”

Other classic moments include:

The Taylors making fun of Somer for her inability to operate a camera and other shortcomings

Jerome getting a tupperware water bottle for Christmas

Mr. Taylor’s feigned joy when Somer gives him black dress socks for Christmas

Mr. Taylor singing the Ms. America theme

Jereme yelling “He said boner!!! Hehehe!” in a 13 year-old voice

Matt Gamble dressed up as David Tick, trying to hang himself from my ceiling fan

The final jeopardy question: “if a boy and a girl fell off a loft and landed on a horse, who would it hurt more?” The prize for the winner? Jerry the Zebra. Don’t ask.

If I ever direct a real movie, hopefully this won’t end up on the DVD specials. I’m out like my 7th grade fashion sense.

August is truly the month of half-assing here at Dank. For that, I take full responsibility, while it should be noted that I completely blame others in private. The Dank Store, originally slated to open just about…now, is still where it was at the release of Dank 5, a stage I like to refer to as “Conception”. All other additions and changes that I originally intended to apply shortly after 5’s launch have been neglected. Even the main news page is experiencing an above-average decay of quantity (and sometimes quality).

Despite the above, I’m not too worried. I have opted to attribute this stagnant period to my acute sloth-like behaviour (reminiscent of that of everyone’s favorite delightful Pokémon, Snorlax). In addition, I feel that the regular contributors could just be a bit tired of posting near-daily as they have in the past, since Dank is now chugging along, approaching it’s 1st anniversary.

The reason you shouldn’t despair is this: the second wind is just around the corner.

And last, but not least, currently I’m getting rid of all the videos in the files section, and hopefully soon we can bulk up the rest of the categories there for everyone’s enjoyment. Also, it can’t be too long before another gallery, can it?

On last night’s ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’, there was a question that read “What 2000 top-selling rock band released the CD “Kid A”? The contestant was stumped and polled the audience. The choices were a) Limp Bizkit b) Green Day c) Radiohead d) Creed and 54% of the audience said Limp Bizkit. The contestant lost the money..

These are the people we have to share air with.

On a lighter note, my boss is pretty much avoiding talking to me this week. I guess she’s “busy.” She’s going to be pretty surprised when I leave tomorrow at 11 am, not to return until next wednesday.

I’m out like a circumcised penis.

Matt cracks me up once again.

Driver: Hey, how’s it going? I’m looking for the biggest moron on the face of the - well whaddya know?! Found you! Nice license plate, Faggus Maximus.

Matt: It’s a coincidence, I didn’t get these plates on purpose!

Driver: Right. Hey, at your next D&D party, tell Worf I said ‘LOL’!

So whats up with this band “Train”? I have this theory that the song Drops of Jupiter is on the radio somewhere all the time in Chicago. But the thing is, I just realized they are the same band that did the song Meet Virginia, which is the same song as Drops both musically and lyrically. They ripped off their own song. How many songs about a quirky girl and coffee can one man have? I guess he proved his ignorance on celebrity Jeopardy, but still…

“The best soy latte that you ever had in me”? “She only drinks coffee at midnight when the moment is not right”? Something about deep-fried chicken?

Maybe they’ll get hit by that train… we can hope.