Good thing people died terrible deaths so you could sleep in on Monday. Or rather, it’s a good thing our country has such a superiority complex that we can’t stop hatin’ on everybody except the Swiss. And Lord knows those bow-legged idiots are next if anyone has ever been next. I don’t know what any of this means. I saw two kids chasing a squirrel across a field today. Run as fast as you can, small children, but you still won’t catch the furry animal carrying nuts. When you do catch him you’ll be 42 and we won’t be talking about squirrels anymore, will we? Well anyway, the squirrel hid in a bush. Stop it. You’re sick. Sneetch and I were stopped on the street last night by a random scary person. He kept referring to people as “Willy Lunchmeat” and “Joe Sausagehead.” This intriguing individual also made Sneetch flinch, which I found relatively comical. Then the dude drank some of my grape juice and started yelling about how dinosaurs never existed. An excerpt:

Scary McToofums: “An I says! What be up in ya’s heads?”
Sneetch: “Uh, we’re kind of in a hurry.”
McToofums: “An I says! We walks a fastah! Lemme aks you sumphin!” Dinasaws be a scam is! What did da foo’s eat? Ain’t nothing fo’ them, no buildins around. What dey eat?
Lou: “The Buildings.”
McToofums: “Ah be danged and sent straight ta hail! Whoopee.”

So yeah. It was definitely one to recall in a crappy post. Baaa. And it all ties together. So that’s it for me. You’ve been great. Goodnight everybody.

What’s all this talk about teachers being underpaid? I mean seriously. I’ll tell you why they don’t make a whole heck of a lot of daddy’s cizzash. It’s because they only work 3/4 of the year. Seriously. Think about how much anyone would make if they only worked nine months instead of twelve. Why hasn’t anyone ever noticed this? Do the math, Sally.

One may argue that teachers have a lot of work to do at home. Well, they give out homework too, so they get no sympathy from me on that one. And, it’s not the only job where you have to prepare beforehand. What do you think teachers are doing during nap time? That’s right.. they are preparing for the next hour’s lessons. Teachers have freaking prep periods. They also get valuable time during tests and smoke breaks in which to prepare for classes.

Teachers are overerpaid. We should cut their salaries and give the money to the real heroes like models, musicians and actors.

Ok, someone tell me what’s going on. I’m so happy this is the last week of classes. I have a four hour class, for a majority of which we screen films in class. Now, the woman who sits directly behind my headtop is a pregnant, Asian woman! Thats right, Larry. Asian. And pregnant. AND LOUD. I wish I was joking, but she brings like three meals to class and chews on them. She brings fried rice, egg rolls, chicken salad, fruit, dessert. She has everything. It’s like Shoney’s back there. One time she even brought an ice cream bar with her. I think I saw her retrieve it from her pocket. How does she do it??

She should mind her own business and be as quiet, discreet and charming as possible like all other women who are about to give birth. She should be serving me meals. What’s her special deal anyway?? I mean, really. Classes and finals are hard on me, but you don’t see me whining and complaining because I’m tired of carrying around extra weight. I mean she KNEW this is what was going to happen when she was in the conceiving line, right??

But the worst part is the ice. Ohhhh the ice. EVERY week for the last fourteen weeks, Preggs McBirthy has filled up two, sometimes three glasses with ICE and just chomped on the ice for the entire four hours of class. You know how fun that is to listen to, Petey? About as fun as your mom when she tells me we cant hang out on the weekend. That’s how fun.

Word to your mother.

So there your parents were. Naked, quivering, and oh yes, in the middle of conceiving you. The tent shook, the Buick Skylark rocked, the army cot collapsed, the floor behind the counter at Huck’s was cold to the touch. I figured if the first part of this post was disturbing, you’d find the rest (in contrast) really neato! And don’t pretend you didn’t believe the whole “stork” thing until 10th grade. You always looked more like a bird than a human anyway.

I’d like to congratulate any man that has put up with any woman for more than one hour. I would like to extend the same congratulations to any woman that has put up with any man for more than an hour, even though that hour probably cheapened you and stole your dignity. Indeed, if you visit this site looking for relationship help, you are screwed in a very figurative sense. If you came here seeking nonsense surrounded by commas, well crap, it’s your lucky day.

Haha.. you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is: Never get involved in a land war in Asia. Only slightly less well know is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha…

Enjoy the week, Ellis. Time for me to grow into an old withered man. Start paying attention to details, because they’ve taken an unhealthy notice of you. Goodday, goodnight, good kraut.

Yes that’s right, it is once again time for pointless internal news. Most importantly, I am now turning my attention towards the next release of this little webpage. On the horizon are the Dank Portal, a new user-controlled link section for the side of the main page, and a few large changes concerning the galleries. These are just the major projects currently–look for the new release to appear sometime in the next 1-2 weeks, depending on how things go. As always, I’ll keep everyone updated.

What defines a good day? I could list a hundred possibilities here, but it goes without saying that the definition of a good day is entirely subjective. Of course when I say that, I’m automatically excluding the experience of discovering a hidden city only a few miles from your home. And not just any city either. This isn’t a city like Detroit claims to be. This is no Gary, IN. either. I’m talking about a city independant of outside mores, norms, and laws. A city where anything can happen, and everyone is truly equal. The city is Softball City, and it was discovered by the Dank staff last night.

Lou, Sneetch, and I stumbled upon Softball City while in search of something to serve as a suitable backdrop to our night. Little did we know at the time that we had discovered a land completely outside the realm of normalcy with which we were so accustomed. Softball City would become our drug–our greatest achievement and our most troublesome vice. Softball City had truly arrived, and it was not about to let us overlook the true impact it would have on our petty lives.

The citizens of Softball City often seemed intoxicated with their own fascinating lifestyles. As they swaggered up to the plate and invariably smashed homerun after homerun, we quickly came to realize that this was their life. This is what they were built to do, and they will step up to that plate again and again, every single night until they cannot physically continue. Human Turtleneck. Canuck. C. J. Logan. Jay Leno. Tower of Power. These people will never be familiar with the outside world. A world that knows nothing about them, and will very likely never understand what goes on at Softball City.

Of course I could go on and on about what happens behind the drawn curtains of Softball City, but I simply wanted to touch upon the experience, not ruin the mystery for those that may one day find it for themselves. Softball City has forever ruined me; Softball City has opened my clenched fist and placed in my palm a $2 token redeemable for concessions.

This is an excerpt from a news story that my dad sent me:

Hurt Turtle Gets Fiberglass Shell

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) - It looked like the end of the road for Jikko, a turtle whose shell was smashed when he was run over by a truck seven months ago. But his wounds have healed thanks to a veterinarian who lovingly nursed him, and now he is the only turtle in Thailand with a fiberglass shell.

“His eyes were running with tears all through the treatment,” said veterinarian Nantarika Chansue. “I had to talk to him all the time to soothe him. Now he recognizes my voice.”

On Friday, the vet placed a fiberglass shell over the broken natural cover to speed the healing process. The artificial shell - developed from denture-plate material by a Chulalongkorn architecture student - will fall off when the natural shell is fully restored. Jikko, who is 16 inches long and 10 inches wide, is believed to be about 20 years old. The Bangkok Post reported that Nantarika would take Jikko home to live in a pond with other rescued turtles.

Believe it or not, it’s been seven months since, in an infamous post by Jamaal, Sneetch threatened to kill HalfHonk. Yes, the concept seems rather sketchy, but according to HalfHonk enthusiast, “AdRaStEiA001″, that’s exactly what happened, and who am I to argue?

Anyway, HalfHonk is still alive, and unfortunately, so is halfhonk.com, now decked from head to toe in what I have dubbed the “Misplaced-Euro-Typographic-Trendy-Minus-Any-Aesthetics-At-All look. Okay, it’s not really that bad, but I see no reason not to continue our arch-rivalry with the still-living webmaster of this site which implements its domain name over 10 times in its logo. In his defense, HalfHonk’s unique brand of wit is quickly identified about half way down the main page, where a picture of a woman’s face is shown with a delightfully sassy caption which reads:

i think that picture is very disgusting. for some reason, it looks like an ass.

ZING!!! Live on, HalfHonk, live on.

In all truthfulness, the last search engine string that led someone to Dank was “goose porn”. This is the last time I look at these referrers.

Taking a look at Dank’s recent search string referrals…

Last 10 queries :
katie holmes “sex scene”
nude asian-kid
“jessica alba” topless
sneeze fetish
Rachael Leigh Cook nude
nude Jerri Ryan
randy johnson hits bird
cum dumpster
katie holmes video clip

Well, first of all, I want you to know I’m disappointed in all of you perverts. Some more than others. For instance, looking for the Katie Holmes clip from The Gift is excusable, even respectable. On the other hand, nude asian-kids can bring only sadness and bad luck. Also, for some reason, the hyphen seems to suggest a menacing mutant asian-kid beast for some reason.

Well, at least I know what kind of content brings in the readers here at Dank. In the future, look for many more articles on how Randy Johnson is a Cum Dumpster.