I hate to flood the news page with a bunch of short posts, but I cannot let this escape the critical eyes of Dank readers. I with to present to you the oddest image and respective caption I have ever stumbled across. While either the image or it’s text description could stand alone as nonsensical and confusing, the coupling of the two leaves me completely dumbfounded. I challenge anyone to find a stranger combination. Now, without further ado, the aforementioned insanity.

Sneezing Fetish Online

“Oh baby, that was a good one. Put down that Kleenex and make me sweat! SNEEZE IN MY MOUTH YOU NAUGHTY GIRL! OH YES!!!” - SA’s Kevin “Fragmaster” Bowen

Ninjas, robots, and ninja robots. Not to mention, Crystal Pepsi.

All your base are belong to Bill Amend.

clicky-click for big-ass version!

A complete conversation between my roommate, Dirty Josh, and me last night as I was leaving the apartment:

Me: “You spying on people again?”
Josh: “Shit, Bitch. The Hilton’s lit up like a Christmas Tree.”

This is a fairly common occurence, Josh sitting on the floor in the living room, blinds pulled slightly, binoculars in hand, hoping upon hope that some vaguely attractive woman stroll past her hotel room window nude, or at very least, topless. Or perhaps someone will be careless enough to leave their shades drawn as they proceed to bludgeon or shoot their victim, preferably a loved one (spouse, offspring, pet, etc). This is the excitement for which he longs.

Dirty is a true voyeur, watching others to see if something the slightest bit interesting should take place, wishing for something to take his mind from the doldrums that are his daily existence. That is, he does this when not sleeping or playing Everquest, the most voyeuristic video game on the planet. For those of you unfamiliar with “EQ”, it is a massive online role-playing game in which nothing ever seems to happen. you spend the whole game just waiting and watching for something that “respawns every 18 hours” and gives “phat loot”. Isn’t this poor soul the target market for such reality-based television programming as “Big Brother” or MTV’s “The Real World”? Wake up, people! If you want to see reality, go outside and go experience it for yourselves! Me, I’m gonna go watch Josh’s tape of tonight’s episode of “Survivor”. I’m out like Jerri’s off the island. Word.

The content of this post revolves around things that are either mildly amusing or just really sad. I’ll leave that up to you. An interesting thing happened on a late night grocery run to Dominick’s last night. Sneetch (who lambasted me 2 years ago for owning a copy of Maxim) couldn’t contain himself in the checkout line and perused several knuckle-shufflers. These included Cosmopolitan, A Man’s Guide to Another Man’s Pleasure, and last but not least, Maxim. One article in particular stood out: Insults to which there is no comeback for. The winner: “Nice Head.” Think about it, headtop.

In dating it ain’t all flowers and chocolates, as made obvious by this small and dusty corner of the internet. Take some time to listen to some of the voicemails…it’s almost disturbing as your family. My favorite: “So, Do You Really Want to Talk to Me?” I’ll be here all night, leave one at the beep. Be obvious to each other. Goodday.

Zombocom wishes to welcome you, and cannot stress enough the numerous possibilities that await you, as a Zombocom visitor.

From March 21st issue of The Onion:

Congress Adds ‘All Your Base Are Belong To Us’ Amendment To Bankruptcy Bill
WASHINGTON, DC– Seeking to increase fiscal accountability among citizens who have no chance to survive make their time, the House of Representatives added an “All Your Base Are Belong To Us” amendment Monday to H.R. 333, the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2001. “What you say!!!” shouted the bill’s sponsor, Rep. George Gekas (R-PA), following the amendment’s approval. “This bill will not only make debt-ridden Americans more accountable, but it has the added benefit of taking off every ‘zig’ for great justice.” Opponents of the amendment protested that it would potentially set up U.S. the bomb.

Thanks to Roger’s Profanisaurus I now have a more firm understanding of the definition of some of my favorite terms…

cock tease n. Woman who wears ‘fuck me shoes’ and then changes into ‘fuck off slippers’ when you get back to her place.

I also find myself wanting to call someone “twix lips”, but I’m currently working on stifling that urge.

What did your uncle get you for Christmas? All I got was some Brut and ten bucks. Maybe that’s what uncles are supposed to give. I hope I’m never an uncle. Ryan Beers tried to beat me up the other day, he’s a turd. Bob Dennison wouldn’t stop yelling “Beano!” on the bus home today, I couldn’t stop laughing. Is it wrong to like Evening Shade? That balding dude with glasses is pretty funny looking, a guy at church looks like him. Justin Robbins and Brad Cisco won’t stop fighting over Jenny Floyd. I ordered “Bo Knows Bo” from the book club, can’t wait for that to come in. The Boxcar Children aren’t as fun to read about anymore. “Look at us, we don’t have parents. Time for us to catch someone doing something bad.” It’s 120 pages of the same thing book after book. There’s a word for kids like that, but I haven’t learned to use it regularly yet.

Whenever the gym teacher gets mad he stares down at his gray velcro shoes. I thought mental people wore velcro. I’m sort of new here, so it sucked when a kid with an oversized head kicked a soccer ball in my face today at lunch. A lot of people laughed. I hope they wet themselves. Meanwhile I’ll wet myself for them. Those tiny cracker jack baseball cards can’t be worth anything. After weeks of searching (at two malls) I finally got the Jerome Walton Starting Lineup figurine. Rookie of the Year…that guy is going places. Mrs. Seegmiller looks a lot like Elvis. I hope she doesn’t mind being called Elvis. The bulls are good.

Some Asian kid won the spelling bee. I’m 5th grade checker champion, but I got beat by a 4th grader, so I guess it cancels out. Kelly on Saved by the Bell is mine. I bet no one actually has the last name “Turtle.” Except pet turtles, of course. The scented markers in Art are cool. Do we really have to watch “Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken” again? Gingerbread houses are stupid. I wonder how many people will be sick next week because of all the unwashed hands in this room. Count me in, Mr. Big. The bus driver got pelted with giant sweettarts last week, she threatened to send us to the principle. I almost cried. Michael Norgaard did cry. I’ve got a bunch of stale baseball card gum to chew. Back in 9 years. Be Funderburk to each other. Goodday.