I just want to tell everyone to have a great Super Bowl Sunday, and don’t forget to watch Survivor 2, if you’re into the whole pop-culture phenomenon of reality shows with one hot girl placed strategically inside of a group of old naked guys. While you’re waiting for the game to start, download good ol’ Tecmo Super Bowl for your favorite Nintendo emulator. Everyone knows that TSB is the only football video game that we’ll remember when we look back on our miserable lives.

Just a thought, regarding something I came across on CNN’s site- if you were to accidentally cut your hand off with a power saw, what would YOU do? Would you scream bloody murder until somebody heard you and came to help? Would you react semi calmly in the face of the awful pain and put your hand in a bag of ice so that it might be reattached? Would you just pass out and hope for the best?

I give you the case of a Pennsylvania construcion worker named William Barton. He was in the basement of a friend’s home using a miter saw- *NOTE* he was in somebody’s basement, thusly could’ve called for help immediately. Did he cry for help or pass out or act calmly, no, he chose none of the above. His solution to this little snafu of a detached hand, was to grab a nearby nailgun and proceed to shoot no less than a dozen(yes, that’s 12 they’ve removed so far) 1 inch nails INTO HIS OWN HEAD to make the pain go away!! And yes, that was his expressed reason to drive nails into his skull, not my assumption.

Well, I guess Mr. Burton outsmarted all of us with his answer to my question. Well done sir, and when you get out of the hospital- you can use that miter saw and open a new hole in your head to let the evil spirits out and/or give yourself a full frontal lobotomy, whichever you prefer.

I suddenly remembered to point in the general direction of x01, my column on Gorsage’s site. I recently updated it for the first time in at least six months, so it’s somewhat monumental (in it’s rarity, not it’s content - definitely not it’s content). Anyway, if you’re here you clearly have too much time on your hands already, so go take a look…

apologies go out for my prolonged figurative and literal lack of words. i blame the 34 cent stamp. you should blame yourself. today i discovered the joy of an EZ cam, as evidenced by this picture to the left. did you know that dave otto is going to be doing color commentary for all the cubs games on fox sports chicago? the guy sucked as a pitcher, and if you’ve ever listened to the comments he makes, he also sucks as a person. he uses terms such as “hairy fastball” and “cheese packet.” it just doesn’t make sense. it doesn’t make no sense!

today i rode amtrak back up to chicago from springfield, and i sat in front of the biggest jerk ever. he sang. he whistled. he wasn’t good at either singing or whistling. he kicked my chair. the dude just sucked. that seems to be the theme of this post…dudes that suck. mike pierce, andy watts, brett neighbors, dickie simpkins. no talent panty wastes.

i want to thank borg and jerome for saving the world from an endless supply of sneetch posts. i woke up last week and there were like 2 in a row and i almost dove in front of a bus because of it. actually the pez sneetch post was good…the eyeball pez impresses me more than it should. i challenge any of you to create a turtle fantasy pez. it will be known as:

**LOU’S SUPERFLUOUS TURTLE FANTASY PEZ CHALLENGE 2001**

keep your pants on, susan, and put that glue gun away. but seriously, i’m not even remotely kidding. i want turtle fantasy pez, and i want them right now. i don’t have a job, i have no place to go…you’re not in the mood? well you get in the mood! thanks george.

be costanza to each other. goodday.

Ah, Jacko’s talents stretched far beyond the football field: in 1985, he recorded a pop song video entitled, “I’m an Individual”, and a follow-up “Me Brain Hurts (Me Noggin’s On the Blink)” which sank without a trace - ending Jacko’s singing career forever, and prompting him to…become a spokesperson for Jenny Craig?!? Well, that’s what my sources tell me anyway.

Special Bonus: For a limited time only, download the full mp3 of Jacko’s balls-out endeavor into the world of music: I’m an Individual (an extra special thanks to Mark The Animal, of Kelly’s Woodyard Australia).

Special Bonus II: My conversation with Mark The Animal:

HAVEUBEENSLAYED: any other Jacko stuff you need for the site?
jerome: all i need is your email address so i can credit you, and draw attention to the fact that you somehow know all this information about jacko.
HAVEUBEENSLAYED: I have a collector over here I know who may be able to supply you with a video of stuff he has done ::::::like TV ad’s music video etc etc
jerome: haha.
HAVEUBEENSLAYED: ??????
jerome: you’re really serious about this, aren’t you.
HAVEUBEENSLAYED: It shouldn’t be too hard for me to find out
jerome: find out what?
HAVEUBEENSLAYED: somewhere where you could EMail his management for more info???
jerome: i have as much info on jacko as anyone could ever want or need.

I have spent most of the last two hours searching the Internet for an image of Jacko. “Who in the hell is Jacko?” you ask. If you think back to a time around fifteen years ago when Reagan was King and NEW Coke reared it’s ugly head, then you would have also been in a time when Australia ruled American culture. We couldn’t get enough of Koalas, Fosters, Crocodile Dundee and of course, Jacko.

For those of you still strugging to put a face with that regal sounding name, I submit the following…Think of an Energizer battery and then think of a noisy, obnoxious man who yelled creepy, Australian-sounding words at you in an attempt to make the thought of buying this particular battery comfortable. In a time before that drum-playing pink bunny with it’s sunglasses and smart-ass attitude, there was only Jacko.

But then of course the inevitable happened…Jacko-fever ran it’s course and suddenly no one gave two American shits for this poor rugby player from down under. His commercials stopped selling. Kids, to the relief of their mothers, stopped imitating his folksy snarl. Even his greatest achievement, a sci-fi television series called “The Highway Man” about a crime-fighter with a “super-truck”, survived only four episodes before the meat-grinder that is popular culture, chewed him up and spit him back into the ocean from whence he came.

So what in the hell is ALF doing in this post? Well, unlike Jacko, ALF still enjoys a small following of fans despite the fact that he looks like the result of an affair between a Wookie and an aardvark. You can admit you liked ALF…Everyone did. But in my search for Jacko, I couldn’t avoid coming across ALF websites given that both of them peaked in the 80’s. It just seemed unfair that an inanimate puppet can still receive attention while someone who gave so much and asked so little can be forgotten and not even remembered in the vast garbage dump of culture stored on the Internet. So remember him in your prayers and perhaps someday, Jacko can finish out the final thirty seconds of fame he has left in him.

“Fuck, this fox is going to eat like a king if he pulls this off.”
(Overheard while Borg was watching a cartoon and talking to himself)

These, my friends, are fantasy pez.

They have been spoiled by overproduction now (much like Lethal Weapon) but, once upon a time they were a great idea. You see, Jerome and I were some of the fantazy pez pioneers. You know what we did? We found toys, keychains, and the like, ripped the heads off of them, hot glued them to decapitated pez stems, and sold them on ebay for a lot of money. You would have been amazed. The picture represents hundreds of dollars. We once got $80 for a felix the cat. Not only that, we TOLD people how we made them, and people were happy with them. They left us positive feedback (see below), and THANKED us. Sometimes we got special orders over email. See those Southpark ones? Thats about $125 you’re looking at. And see the Alien and Frankenstein wearing a skirt? We sold that to a policeman, and SENT IT DIRECTLY TO HIM AT THE OSHKOSH POLICE STATION.

As you can see, most of these fantasy pez come from the end of our career when we were getting desperate for ideas. I do have to say that my personal favorite is the HUGE EYEBALL. What in the heck is that?? That’s why someone bought it. Nonetheless, it was beautiful while it lasted. And now, somewhere in central Illinois there is an old librarian wondering why the heck she has all of these odd looking fake pez on the hard drive at her library, where we used the digital camera to take the free pictures. And somewhere in Michigan there is a fat little boy who wonders why he paid $125 for Kenny, who’s head fell off of the orange stem in the mail before he even opened the package. And somewhere in Chicago and Peoria there are two laughing fools.

I am announcing our first interactive contest, especially for you AOL members out there. You are to find the worst, most pathetic or humorous AOL member profile you can, and email it to be by clicking on the link in this post’s headline. The best few will be posted here, and as a rule, the profile can not belong to anyone we know. It must be a random person. Here is an example, and an excerpt from the guy in a chat room:

KRAT3 16: ok if there are any females in here under 180 pounds and wana trade pics im me

Member Name: willy buba farm angel from a strange world with an absence of hart aka the fool on the hill aka i am the wallress gogogachoew
Location: wuba wuba land the place where magical pixys eat noodels all day
Marital Status: but the fool on the hill
Hobbies: guitar playin man
Computers: compaq the only reason i answerd that is becauce noone ever does
Occupation: gangster, runner, moon dancer, pusher, slave, pilot, doctor, the great white hype
Personal Quote: you cant always get what you want but if you try some times you find you get what you need, shallalalalla my brown eyed girl, helterskelter, band on the run, loveeee rain on meeee rain ooonnnn meee llllllllloooooovvvvvvveeeee eeee!!!!!!!