Has anyone else ever noticed this? I only wish I had a better picture of Theobald with her glasses on. They are the exact same person. Hair, baggy eyes, glasses, smoker’s teeth, fake accent. It’s uncanny.
Dang! I neva’ be da damn best! Why gots’ta dere always be at least one sucka’ who be betta’ dan me who be makin me look betta dan I’s is? It be real frustrating fo’ me. No matta’ how hard I be playin, I always be in some otha biznatch’s shadow, so cut me some slack, Jack. I ain’t a neva’ be close t’Michael. Neva.
Ah be baaad… ah’ am only somewhut decent when I ain’t gots’ta carry de team, and I need some sucka betta’ dan me t’do all the real wo’k. Ya’ know? Rememba’ the year he left and I gotsta carry the team? We dun did good then, yo. Didn’t we? Didn’t we??? Well I guess we’s started winnin’ again plum about da damn time when Michael came back, but dat wuz beause all my skillz and leadership …at least dat’s whut my mamma be tellin me wheneva’ I start to worry. Slap mah fro!
I gots dis nightmare where Michael plum whup’s me in every aspekt of life.. S’like I go get some brand new jeep and steal some re-chargable batteries.. so’s whut duz Jo’dan do? He runs right out and sponso’s dem. WORD! So’s now he digs dem fo’ free. Damn, nigga be showin off. Next time ya’ is in Chicago, mosey on down and visit my resturaunt, Scottie Pippen’s… oh…wait. Man!
Sometimes, when no one else be in the locka’ room, ya’ know whut I likes me to do? I likes to put on his jersey and drink some gato’ade.. And sometimes I even hum dat song , only with my name in it. Man! You’s know “I wannabe I wantstabe likes Scot”? Oh yeah, Michael, we’s all real impressed with you. Washington Wizards and whuteveritis oda’ team ya’ bought. Man! Woo Hoo. ‘S coo’, bro. Oh we love ya’, Mike. Youse so’s waaay coo’, Mike. Kiss my big black ass, Imax boy. Slap mah fro! Too baaaad ya’ sucked at baseball.
Alls ah’ know be Kemp be fat now, so’s I finally gots some chance t’be da damn best on mah’ team. WORD!
Did everyone plum see us whup the Lakers?? Yeah, dank ya’ real much. Lop some boogie. And Michael wuzn’t even there to be’s holdin my hand and change mah’ pants. Maybe ah’ am baaaad. I mean look what be happenin to da bulls after I get my leave on! Man! Oh, yeah, dethey be hangin’ real baaaad dis year. I bet ya’ wish ya’ had me now, Timmy! Right on! Hahahahah. Idiot. Man! You’s duzn’t know whut you be missin’.
I’m getting really tired of movies in which Tom Hanks plays a morally upstanding person who gets into a really bad situation where we are expected to feel sorry for him. Usually, these films are directed by Robert Zemeckis. In most cases, both Hanks and Zemeckis win several academy awards including: “Best Flash Flood caused by Crying Movie Patrons (BFFCBCMP),” and “Film Most Likely to Make You Realize that Tom Hanks is far More Morally Upstanding than You (FMLMYRTHIFMMUTY).”
“Hi, I’m Tom Hanks, and in Apollo 13, I play a morally upstanding individual who gets stuck up in space in a hastily manufactured spacecraft. Don’t you feel sorry for me?” “Hi, I’m Tom Hanks, and in Forrest Gump, I play a loveable retard who gets picked on a lot. Don’t you feel sorry for me?” “Hi, I’m Tom Hanks, and in Saving Private Ryan, I play a morally upstanding soldier who goes to save Private Ryan (played by the loveable Matt Damon) in order to show you, the viewer, how terrible and sad war is. Don’t you feel sorry for me?” “Hi, I’m Tom Hanks, and in The Green Mile, I play a morally upstanding prison guard who has a terrible urinary tract infection and the unpleasant duty of executing the enormous miraculous black man. Don’t you feel sorry for me?” “Hi, I’m Tom Hanks, and in Cast Away, I play a morally upstanding person who gets marooned on a desert island with no human contact whatsoever. Don’t you feel sorry for me?”
No, I’m sorry Tom, I just can’t feel sorry for you anymore. Peace y’all. I’m out like your dad. There are no links in this post. Don’t bother looking.
You should know that I am listening to Bruce Hornsby’s “Changes” repeatedly while writing this. That’s just the way it is. Some things will never change. That’s just the way it is. You get the idea. Multiple points awarded to the random picture you see above and to the left. It’s probably of Jewels. They all are. So check this out.
I’ve seen Kristen Suryk’s panties. Yeah, I know. I said I know. Why the heck don’t I wear a shirt that says “I’ve seen Kristen Suryk’s Panties and You Haven’t, Jon Nevel!”? Anyway, here’s the story. When I was a sophomore my gym class went to the mini-forum for some reason I’ve forgotten, and some people were talking and some people weren’t really listening. Suryk was talking about how she had worn the wrong panties with her cheerleading skirt or something. The next thing I know she is holding her skirt over her head and I am staring at a freaking pair of blue panties. These were obviously not the ones her mother laid out for her. I have no idea who she was talking to, because only a couple of people noticed that just a second before they had seen the panties of an attractive person. It was really cool. But for some reason I had left that bit of knowledge somewhere that wasn’t your now fuming envy.
Well, the truth be told, I wish someone else had seen her panties and was writing this. I feel a bit guilty about it. Much like the horrid disgust I would feel after showing a ring attached to my freaking…Adam? Hope you’re enjoying those CDs, my friend. If anyone has been offended by anything in this post, I’m sorry. And if anyone hasn’t, I’m sorrier. Is that a word? Bunk-o-matic? I like squirrels. (Pulls string) “The Baucom says, ‘Neeeyaah! Yer car sucks! Neeeyaah!’” That is all.
Be sedated to each other. Goodday.
Well, i’m off to Springfield for the holidays, so I’ll try to update whenever I can get near a computer. If you don’t hear from me, everyone have a great Christmas and New Year. Be safe, happy, etc.
random link : Mr. T vs. Everything : (and by everything, they mean everything.
Don’t ask me why, but something moved me to whip out good ol’ A Boy and His Blob on the trusty emulator today. In a couple hours of time that will never be returned to me, I worked my way through the dim caverns, a city subway, and…fields of corn that made up the level(s) of the game, defeated…some bad guy, then returned…somewhere to be congratulated by some marshmallow looking guy. Now I can tell you that tangerine jellybeans = trampoline, orange = vitablaster, and vanilla = umbrella. These are life lessons that can only be learned by steadily fighting through the hoards of snake-like things, bouncing popcorn, and killer teeth that try to thwart your progress. Yes, today is your lucky day; download A Boy and His Blob from us, play it, grow as a person, etc.
Well is appears the Chick Tourney is now at version 2, so head on over and fill out your chart. The winner of the last tourney turned out to be Alyssa Milano of Double Dragon fame, while the loser was appropriately Fairuza Balk. On the subject of lovely ladies, keep an eye out for a new gallery this week as a special Christmas present from me to you. …Oh, and speaking of Double Dragon…
Entertainment Weekly has voted Joseph Arthur’s Come To Where I’m From as the number one album of 2000. This is clearly a fantastic option on the part of EW, but I must enquire about the wording they use at one point:
‘There’s just too much time to kill between all my mistakes,’ Arthur sings, in the bedraggled voice of a weary busker.
Pardon?? The bedraggled voice of a weary busker? What exactly was accomplished by using that description, other than confusing the hell out of all the non-Mensa readers of EW?
Anyway, to learn more about Joseph Arthur, check out this comprehensive fan site that has everything from archived video performances to indexed paintings by Joseph.
After making this wallpaper in the middle of my first semester, it somehow slipped my mind time and time again, but finally I’ve got it up for download. It appeals to only a select few, I’m sure, as it’s a promotional piece for Smokefest2001. Choose your resolution, and enjoy…
A couple of my dubious video game mentions:
A Boy and His Blob - NES
Honestly, what the hell was going on in this game? I will never be able to rid myself of the just plain eerie feeling that this game embodied. All i can recall is frustration with frequent and consistent death by falling and never knowing what the fuck the jellybeans were going to turn my little clown of a blob friend into. Last but not least, there was no premise to this story, no explanation to why my only friend was a hunk of slime that morphed into a hole after eating a punch-flavored jellybean. Strangely, I was drawn to this insanely conceived game though, and that is why it appears on this list.
Mendel’s Palace - NES
Never again will there be a game with ballerinas, sumo wrestlers, and little girl artists, all walking aimlessly around the room as you try to shake the carpet out from underneath them. Mendel’s Palace shook the very foundation of the gaming industry with it’s confusing, seemingly randomly created characters (for example, a guy who does nothing but swim through the floor) and mysterious plot involving obsessive floor tile turning. This is another game that I played a lot of and have no reasons to back up playing, yet several to convince myself it was a mistake.
Mortal Kombat 3 - SNES/Genesis
I loved this game while it was in it’s prime…how can any kid not love a game so controversial for pointless violence? I vividly recall all the rapture I received when, at the conclusion of the match I ripped off my opponent’s private parts, jumped up and down on them, chewed them up for a bit, then spit them into his face, all before he managed to fall down. What makes this game so horrible is the time a kid had to spend learning the complex button combinations to do the fatalities of each character. And each character just HAD to have 13 fatalities, 4 babalities, 9 humiliations, 6 soliliqualities, and 2 pedophalities (to supplement the babalities). This was the first game you had to STUDY for at night in order to impress your friends the next day and just plain feel good about yourself.
