no one has ever purposely been awake at 5 in the morning. seriously. one of two situations occurs. either you wake up for no reason, glance at the clock, laugh, and return to slumber. this is the “accidental wake up” situation. the alternative is that you have lost track of time and yelp when your timex expedition reads 5:00 in the darn morning. this is called “inadvertent stay up.” it’s either too early or too late. nothing is right about 5 o’clock in the morning. nothing at all.

where’s bunker? i admire his skills for giving me the “i was out in the backyard” each day over thanksgiving break. bunker is a laxative to my soul. and it’d be decent for him to show himself or one of his fake darkies around here sometime soon. sorry about that picture. i hope he isn’t mad about that. it’s a funny picture. like that funny picture of that dog sniffing nick’s crotch. or the picture of sneetch touching natalie overman. these are all good pictures that each individual should be proud of.

i need to pretend to study some more. be indebted to each other. goodday. wait, wait. the indebted thing. i hate when people set up their stories like this. check it out. a little story for the afternoon drive. this all happened last weekend. i owed sneetch like $15, so when we went to steak n shake i was like, “yes, of course i’ll pay.” i was really hungry, so i ordered a lot of food, too. after about 45 minutes i realized that i had left my wallet at home, and i had just ordered another bowl of chili. so i was like, “uhh, can you pay for this?” he obviously had to. then the waitress brought my chili out and i ate it, feelings of guilt multiplied with every bite. it was good chili. and i did pay him back. i think. anyway, just a story. beets are disgusting.

Well, it looks like our boy is finally a man. A man that loves little girls. Just kiddin’ Shep. Nonetheless, here is a mini-gallery of those lovable Olsen twins to tide over the pedophiliac inside all of us. In addition, my half of Ashley Olsen now lies with Shep as a special birthday present from me to him. The Calls List tells no lies.

…in the in-box:

From: pod@phong.com (Endopod)
To: jerome@dank2k.org
Subj: (no subject)
Date: 11/20/2000 11:27:18 PM

ya canada is 31337

There is only one word to describe mail from a phongist: disconcerting.

Just a few things i am thankful for this particular thanksgiving:

Joseph Arthur
Unexplainable friendships
Soul Calibur
People who owe me a call. (see illustration to the right)
The tobacco store that sells Springwaters for $4.35
Hope

I hope everyone had a good one.

Dank encourages you to have a fantastic Thanksgiving in the m’f*ing 2k. Kick it like it’s ‘97.

Hmm…bamf loses a point in my books. Well, I take that back. Just that dope, raygun.

first off, the picture to the left has nothing at all to do with this post or anything else. that being said, lemme introduce what i have to say. this isn’t an object lesson or some pre-conceived antedote, this is REAL LIFE DRAMA. kind of like that show, rescue 911. i hated that show. “let’s watch people fake horrible accidents!” try to fake cancer all you want. it’s just not very convincing until someone dies. turn off the stove when you leave, officer. enjoy.

love comes sometimes mixed with a three letter abbreviation consisting of the letters S, P, and M (not in that order). If you can completely love a woman during P.M.S., you are a great person. that is something i’m learning. i hadn’t seen my girlfriend for 6 weeks, last weekend i went to st. louis to see her. it just so happens that the first 2.3 days i was there were the days of the monthly female cycle most commonly referred to as “hellish cruelty.” if what i just said offends you, pretend i’m exaggerating. let’s see what we know so far about this mysterious occurence.

to a woman, P.M.S. is a free ticket each month. kind of like a weird present your uncle might give you. this free ticket allows the semi-proud ticketholder to:

1) act a fool
2) come to the most irrational conclusions possible
3) have silly tantrums about silly things
4) cry at random times for little or no reason
5) set fires
6) actually menstruate

so pretty much, you can act like a jerk. let me emphasize the “act” because lord knows no menstruating person has ever simply been a jerk. have you been wanting to act like a jerk? here’s your chance! here, take this ticket, it’s good for at least a couple days. oh, and don’t forget this list of 300 things you now hate. please don’t hurt ‘em, hammer.

P.M.S. officially stands for pre-menstrual syndrome. however, similar factors such as D.M.S. (during-menstrual syndrome) and post-menstrual syndrome exist. totally combined these 3 syndromes (pre, during, and post) consume 29 days of the month, leaving only 1 or 2 days of complete normalcy. although some medications can alleviate some warning signs of P.M.S., the only “cure” for it is the aging process itself. don’t try to resolve a P.M.S. matter on your own, william, you won’t succeed. in fact, why did you even want to help in the first place? is there something wrong with me? stop staring at me! oooh, here looks like a good place to spend all your money! you aren’t funny, so stop trying to make me laugh. i hate chocolate shakes! you get the point.

let me clarify. ignore everything i’ve just said about P.M.S. i seriously don’t know anything about it, and i was obviously exaggerating. most women are able to control their tempers and their tandrums during those crucial days of the month. for that i’m at a complete loss for words. too often P.M.S. is used as a crutch for actions and reasoning by both women and men. not saying it doesn’t affect some things, but it isn’t the reason your boyfriend is gross or why your girlfriend seems to get mad every time you mention your toenails. it’s just there, and it happens. kind of like an ear, but not really.

hoo waa! a shinier, more appealing font color, in the middle of the darn page! **RELATIONSHIP TIRADE OF THE WEEK** she’s perfect. i thank her for making this post possible.be excellent to each other, hope to God no one reads this. goodday.

found this in my in-box this morning…

From: david@nextgendesign.com (DBC)
To: jerome@dank2k.org
Subj: New Britney Stronger Video?
Date: 11/14/2000 1:23:24 PM

Hey I visit your site every now and then and saw before that you gave a link to Britney’s VMA.00 performance. Was wondering if you had a link to her Stronger Video? I’ve looked all over and have downloaded like 75% of it off Scour but scour never seems to finish the downloads…The link you gave to the VMA was great and fast. Thanks for your help in advance and great Site.

i had been meaning to get off my ass and post this exact information, as i had been sitting on it for weeks now. so anyway i headed over to check up on my link, and lo and behold, i got a 404. so as usual, i don’t come through for the loyal dank readers of the world. the only thing i can suggest is, if you want the video, instant message me and i’ll get my send on. ask yourself how much she matters to you. i know i do every day.

This update started out as me complaining about Chicago’s cold weather and wishing I lived in Florida. Today, I heard someone exclaim, “Well, I guess this is why they call Chicago the Windy City! huhhuhh!” and it angered me. THAT’S NOT WHY THEY CALL IT THAT. These are the same people that call the Hancock the Sears Tower. However, when i was looking for a picture of Florida for this update, I could not pass up this delightful little website dedicated to the Beulah Fire Department.

That is indeed a picture of the fire station kitchen. They all take turns making meals, as the caption teaches us.

Also, feel free to navigate the mind numbing tour of the firehouse and visit the closet and bathroom! Also, you may want to learn the fire truck’s names, and get your own look at an actual, real live fire helmet!!

I will bet any of you five imaginary dollars that Fire Marshall Buford just bought a Mac and a do it yourself HTML guide. Be sure to enjoy the MIDI file which will not stop playing the hit song Danger Zone. Also, if you are hip and witty enough, you may enjoy this whimsical little snippet of pop culture.

And finally, mark your dayplanners! Let’s all carpool on down to the sausage fest! If we get there on time, we may be able to catch a Mike Singletary or Mark Chestnut concert.

Too bad this link has a headline which reads Who Let the Dawgs Out?.