I am providing you with a link to what I consider a helpful nudge in the right direction for your life. By “you” i mean you, whomever you may be.

Now that we’ve taken care of your future, I want to address your past. I would like to hear your best sob story relative to your interpersonal relationships. No, I don’t mean your family dying in a horrible plane crash from which you were the only survivor, I mean relative to for lack of a better term- love. Send me your stories, the best(worst) one wins a prize. I don’t know what prize yet, nor do I guarantee it to be a good thing, but you will win a prize of some fashion. Send me your story, if you have the stones.

think about it, you know you never win anything, well, this time winning wouldn’t be all that difficult and it’s based on merit, not on luck.

i often ask myself why chairs are so underappreciated in society today. they give us opportunities to sit down as we masturbate while drooling over pokemon, the heavier ones provide an alternate way of making old people fall down stairs, and best of all, they give britney spears an opportunity to make me happy as hell. our friends over at britneyzone report:

Britney Spears will do a seductive chair dance in her next video, for the song “Stronger,” according to the clip’s director, Joseph Kahn (Backstreet Boys, Sisqó). “It will be a very intimate chair,” Kahn said. “She’s going to love that chair. Everybody will be very excited by the way she loves that chair.” The clip will be shot next week.

yes, we’ve all seen this one before…

her heart, as i’ve stated before, is solid gold.

I saw this and I just have to draw attention to it. This was spotted at hypothermia, which is actually a pc hardware site, but I digress. Think about this after you read it: “Whose cruel fucking idea was it for the word “LISP” to have the letter “S” in it???”

I had to buy my textbooks today. That’s right. You’ve been in school for a month, and I am just now buying my books. I’m in a class called “Geology: Dinosaurs and you”. Nevermind that the study of dinosaurs is not Geology. That’s another story. The point of the update is my text books are published by GOLDEN BOOKS. Remember those tiny little fossil pocket guides you used in 2nd grade? Yeah, that’s right. “FOSSILS,” “GEOLOGY,” and “DINOSAURS” cost me a total of $8.49. The funniest part is the neon orange “USED TEXTBOOKS” sticker on the side.

Buying them was funny, too. The line was a half hour long, and they kept repeating the same 2 songs over the loudspeaker: “Here comes the Hotstepper,” and “Macarena”. I swear people were dropping classes and not buying books just so they wouldn’t have to hear those songs.

This is a true, unexaggerated sampling of some of the other science courses offered at columbia:

Killers or Lifesavers? The story behind drugs.

The Chemistry of Caffeine: Coffee and Chocolate.

The Physics of Dance.

Crime Lab: Sherlock Holmes in the Courtroom.

I will leave you with one final plea: PLEASE! when you are walking on a sidewalk, LOOK UP! at least occasionally. Your shoes are not that complicated. I’m out. The sneetch abides.

p.s. mozzarella cheese

yes, that is vanilla ice.
need i say more? (picture blatantly stolen from X-Entertainment)

Hi. You don’t know me, nor will you, but I have something for you. Yes, I mean you assface. This thing is free and useless, yet fun. And no, I don’t do dinner parties.

While we’re on the subject of fabric softener, I toss you this knowledge, snuggle dryer sheets are necessary for softening your clothes in the dryer. That of course depends on your scent preference. That is entirely pointless and irrelevant, I just figured I’d say something to make you raise an eyebrow in disgust. On a serious note, going without a computer for 3 weeks is not fun when you’ve had one for 3 years solid. On an very odd side note, Dickey Simpkins is the man, and though he has not shown any talent in the NBA, he is an extremely nice guy, and played his ass off.

i’ve said it before, and i’ll say it again, i hate people. not all people mind you, but most. especially ones that seem to have no ability to exist on the same plane of reality as the rest of humanity. today, we will discuss specifically “fucked-up car people”. like the lady with the white mustang with the huge smiley face stickers on the wheels, the doors, and the hood. and her smiley face seat covers and her smiley face steering wheel. this woman is most likey chronically depressed, and is using the smiley faces to lift her spirits while in her automobile so that she doesn’t just go driving off some cliff somewhere to “end all her pain”. or the people with the cow van. now i haven’t seen this vehicle myself, but i’m told that it has a black and white cow patterned paint job, and that the van has an udder. WHY THE HELL DOES THE VAN NEED AN UDDER!?!?!?! what is wrong with these people? they like cows, and most likely collect cow things. fine, do it in the privacy of your own home, but to make your van a cow? simply ludicrous. And the lovely picture to your, uh, …left(?) is the worst of all. Granted, this p.o.s. was given away in many different contests, but it is still insane to drive it, even if you won the thing. look at it! by winning, i’d think that you actually lost the damn contest. i mean, great, you won a new car! but look at it. look at it! it’s a pokemon! no one on the road will like or respect you. (i already didn’t, so you aren’t missing anything there, but still) not a soul will take you seriously after seeing you pilot that vehicle. and what if you actually like the pikachu car you won, in the way the cow people like their van? what then? i like heroin, but you don’t see me spray painting “smack mobile” on my doors and taping used needles on the hood, now do you? i actually saw another of these evil poke-mobile gems, but it was a pt cruiser that looked like a blubasaur or a charmander or a frizzock. why do we let behaviour like this slide? it’s neither normal, nor rational. displays like these whould warrant a general shunning from the whole of society, as well as a one way ticket to the insane asylum. either way. look what happened, DAMMIT, i’m all worked up now. i need to calm down. my friend Nat Sherman may be able to help. l8

yesterday i was playing freeze tag during recess and zach was frozen so i unfroze him and he said, “thanks, colleen.” i was like, “colleen? you called me colleen?” then today i caught him staring at her while she was building her “Island of the Dolphins” panorama. i think zach likes colleen. first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a stork or something, i don’t know about that yet. but anyway, zach likes a girl! girls like playing house and having tea parties. does this mean zach is a girl? colleen even tried to play 4-square with us the other day, so nick overhand slammed her and it hit her in the leg! the gym teacher got mad and stared at his shoes for a while. i guess andre the giant died. hey, anybody see that new fred savage movie? he’s in a nintendo tournament or something, it looks rad. i just farted. hahaha.

i used to be friends with chris, but last time he spent the night at my house he totally destroyed my lego city! i even let him sleep in the g.i. joe tent that attaches to my bed. maybe i feel sorry for him because he’s greek. his mom is pretty ugly, and so are his sisters. last friday at his house we couldn’t get sausage on our pizza because of lint or something. at least he got a sega genesis for his birthday. nick got an excellent golden grahams shirt.

i should probably learn how to write cursive sometime. sike! writing cursive is for smelly third graders. last night my dad told me it was spelled “psych!” but then he was like, “sike!” hey! flight of the navigator is on. another classic. see you guys at swimming lessons.

at the age of 7 i had just conquered a long time glue-eating habit, played with fire on a daily basis, and secretly listened to raffi. i had 12 years of relative normalcy until my parents decided to get divorced. but i guess that just makes me more normal. hmm.

be excellent to each other…goodday.

well, just after taking down the covers section, i received a submission from bigretardedduck, who i’m sure does not like to be called “bigretardedduck”. anyway, it’s pretty cool, so make sure you’re coming in the front door when you visit. i’ll have to get the section back up later this week when i get around to finishing the new navbar. send in your dank covers, and i’ll keep posting them…the requirements for submissions are basically non-existent.

this is kind of off the subject, but if someone can explain this to me, that would be just great. the title continues to intrigue me, but as i scroll down, the volume of text overwhelmes me and i find myself refusing to read it over and over again.

those delightfully charming big brother writers will never stop delighting and charming me. i can’t even begin to explain what is going on with this article.

“I just wanted to come in and say that it’s everything I can do to keep from cracking up about resetting the clock and all that stuff,” Josh said as he cracked up about resetting the clock and all that stuff.”

HOHOHO! see what i mean about the delightful thing?

Do you realize that trampolining is now an Olympic sport? I know, I know! I wouldn’t believe it either, excpet I just had the misfortune to witness it on cable TV. I think it comes just after snipe hunting and right before lawn darts and ring toss. This picture looks to be the complete team from Myanmar during a practice.

In additonal news, Leno is a tool. I accidentally watched part of his monologue last night and here is what I discovered, much to my dismay:

No. of Clinton jokes: 9
No. of Clinton jokes referring to sex: 8
No. of Gore jokes: 3
No. of Bush jokes: 0
No. of Charlie Sheen jokes: 1*
No. of jokes about sex: 6
No. of jokes which were not offensive or vulgar: 1
No. of jokes which made me laugh, or even half smile at best:1
No. of times he referred to Kevin Eubanks in a nonsensical manner: 4
No. of times he laughed at himself: 4
No. of times he stuttered: too many to count
No. of times he wished he was Letterman: see above

*keep in mind the Sheen thing happened in like ‘93